sneaking up

July 29, 2009

30 weeks on friday. i can’t quite believe that we’ve made it this far. i was looking at the calendar a few weeks back and realized the big 30 was right around the corner and i freaked out. freaked out because holy crap that means these babes are coming soon! freaked out because i feel totally unprepared. i swiftly spent the next four hours researching and buying cloth diaper supplies and other sundries that i was just sure i needed immediately.

then the nesting kicked in, it seems to early that i could be this obsessive but folks i’ve serioulsy lost control of myself. i get these bursts of energy and i have such a hard time calming myself down. i made three, yes, three trips to ikea in the last few weeks. j and i put the crib together, built shelves for the closet, i washed all the clothes and diaper prefolds, threw out have the crap in our basement that should have been thrown out years ago. donated the other half to the goodwill. and then once i was done with baby focused things i got this crazy idea that we had to, just had to find a new sink and sink cabinet for the bathroom. done and done.

then after all the crazy energy spurts (and overwhelming exhaustion) over the last few weeks, the ob told me quite kindly to knock it the hell off. and i’m listening. it’s killing me to be so quiet when every inch of my body wants to be tearing up some part of the house or completely reorganizing the basement but this is just all way to important to not listen to what i’m told.

so here were are days away from 30 weeks, fingers crossed we’ll make it to 34 at least and then beyond. i’m feeling mostly really good except for the whole being enormous and not able to bend over, lie down or sit comfortably for more than 15 minutes, constantly out of breath and somewhat predisposed to crying. i’m just feeling lucky we’re still here and moving forward. i know this can turn out just as we’ve hoped and i know the game can change at any given moment. and though i’m not trying to dwell on the negative i want to keep it in my mind. to acknowledge that the shits lottery still exists and you never know when you’ll be the lucky winner.

so for now, i’ll just keep sneaking towards the end of this journey. eyes on the prize.

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still here

June 1, 2009

i’m having a hard time finding words these days. it’s not that i don’t have anything brewing in this head of mine. all in all, i’m feeling great for the most part. my middle is surely expanding and the wiggler’s are constantly on the move. my hips are really sore at night, guess i’m expanding in other parts of my body too and leg cramps are a new pal of mine.

but i am happy. i am grateful. i am so lucky to have made it this far. 21 weeks and counting.

but outside of myself i mourn. i mourn for my dear friend and the loss of her son. i try my best to stand beside her and hold her up when she falters. i am just so sorry this has happened and shocked still by the true reality of it. i keep thinking, even weeks after, that maybe it was all a mistake. maybe he’s ok. but i know it’s all true. i know his little life is gone and part of my friend has gone with him. and i am just so angry that things like this can happen.

so that’s where i am. up and down. down and up. but mostly, mostly just thankful. for my own growing beans who are still kicking around in there. and for this friendship that means so very much to me.

no words

May 13, 2009

Was woken up this morning at 2am to the phone ringing. My dear closest friend here in town who is just weeks away from delivering her first child. I answered groggily and immediately heard her voice waiver, “t? I lost the baby”.

—- I can barely type this through my shock. But he is gone. And she waits. For her body to realize it’s time to deliver him. I can’t comprehend the horror of all this. I can’t explain it away. I can only hold her and cry with her and her husband and do what I can to help her through this wait. A wait they say that might take a few more days.

It’s all just so unbelievable. So unfair.

There are simply no words to describe how terrible it really is. So for now I’ll just to with silence.

Please think good thoughts for her.

grateful

May 11, 2009

my heart has been so heavy. heavy for my dear internet friend kate. something she wrote in her most recent post has been winding through my head all weekend. “With loss sometimes comes the chance at a new beginning, a different beginning, a different and perhaps even better outcome.”

sometimes it is the hardest of times that give us the most reward. these rewards take a while to come. they are hard won and sometimes don’t feel like the true gift they are until so far down the road it’s hard to imagine the pain and difficulty that catapulted the path the brought us to them.

i’ve been thinking so much about these little people growing inside me. about how amazed i am that they have stuck with me for so long. so far so good. each time i feel them shift or kick i let myself believe this is all happening. and i remember that without the struggle and devastation of my past they wouldn’t be here at all.

perhaps without the past i would have experienced this with some other little person, but that’s not the point. the point is that without cancer, without the loss of my fertililty, without the encouraging words of a friend or the strength of DH, i would never be where i am today.

these little people, even without my DNA, are a part of me because of these journeys. because of the past. because of my body’s ability to keep me strong enough to survive through all the challenges of my history. and for that i am so grateful.

i’ve said before that in many ways cancer has been the best thing that ever happened to me. and now there is one more example of why i hold that true. actually make that two reasons. i really hope one day i’ll have the honor of meeting them face to face to thank them for making me see what can be born from all that pain.

and i truly hope all of us reach that pinnacle one day. in whatever way we accept to find it.

all is mighty swell

May 4, 2009

sorry for my mid-week freak out last week. i’ll try to blame it on a surge of hormones but i’m not sure how far that will get me.

things are all fine, my lovely nurse at my doc’s office gave me an overview of all the things i was feeling and how none of it should continue to worry me and i feel so much better. why they couldn’t explain it as easily as she did while at labor and delivery i just don’t know, but i’m so happy to be part of a practice that i feel so confident in and cared for.

so i’m back to normal for the most part. started a prenatal H20 class at my gym that is meant to start strengthening all those muscles i never use that will become very important in a few months and stretch out the muscles i never remember to stretch. have to say it was a bit of an ass-kicker but in a good way.

i’ve still be mostly absent from the computer so i’m sorry to have not been commenting. i’m coming back i promise. not sure where all my motivation has gone but i’m guessing i’ll find it somewhere once i have another milkshake or two.

just when you think you’re ok

April 30, 2009

last night has thrown me for a loop. i got home from work (which was a really quiet day, only one meeting!) i had felt pretty pooped all day and as soon as i walked in a decided to take a nap. i slept on the couch for about an hour and when DH came home i went upstairs to the bed to continue my lazing about before getting up to meet a friend at 8pm. and that’s when it started. around 7pm all of a sudden my entire abdomen clenched. it scared the shit out of me. was this a contraction? braxton hicks? i’ve never felt anything like it and it totally freaked me out. DH brought me up glass after glass of water which i’ve read is the first thing you should do if you feel like you’re having contractions as dehydration can cause them. I had no pain just complete tightness. i called my doc around 7:15 who said, keep drinking and lying down and call back in an hour if it didn’t stop.

it. didn’t. stop. DH drove me to labor and delivery at 8:15 and they checked me out. luckily my cervix is completely closed so they don’t think it was anything more than my body growing and stretching and well, perhaps contracting but after a few hours they sent me back home with the remark, “this just might be your normal, we’ll have to wait and see.” apparently it’s quite common for people to have contractions throughout with no sign or pre-term labor. of course i have to keep as restful as i can for the next few days and look out for other more worrisome signs. but all is (i guess) well again.

i can’t say i feel too relieved by their words. the clenching came and went throughout my visit to the hospital but finally subsided late last night. the entire episode scared the crap out of me. it made me realize how tenuous this all still is. and having two nurses say, well you know if you were to have them now they are not old enough to survive (um, I KNOW! which is why i’m freaking out!) didn’t help much.

i have come so far. 17 weeks tomorrow! and yet i’m so very far away from the coveted 29th week of viability. i’m holding out for 36 weeks when more than likely everything with these two beings inside me will be ok. these little wigglers who with every twitch and wiggle have buried into my heart.

i just want this so much it scares me to know it could all still fall apart. i already knew this was true but i’ve been feeling so amazing that i didn’t really let those thoughts seep too far past the surface.

it’s back to working from home for a few days. and a quiet (with no painting!) weekend on the sofa. maybe a slow swim. damn it. i just have to believe in this even though it’s so scary to do so. i have to believe in these two beating hearts. i have to believe in my body. that’s just all i can do.

still here just…. well, quiet

April 28, 2009

oh ladies, i’m sorry i’ve dropped off the planet! after two weeks of craziness at work i’ve been lying particularly low. i spent the rest of last wednesday lying in bed making some calls for work and managing my email load. thursday i decided to work from home and stay off my feet all day. it helped so much and i still managed to deal with all that needed to be dealt with. it was good. and the weekend was really productive and also relaxing in a different way. i painted the room that will one day be a nursery. that’s even weird to think about. i put down some carpet tiles as well and did a much needed cleaning out of my closet. okay maybe that doesn’t sound relaxing to some people, but to me, working on the house gives me some low-impact exercise and allows my mind to wander and work through all sorts of things that i never seem to have the time to think about.

and just so you think i just overdid it again, i took lots of naps too, and slow calm walks with the pup. oh and i drank lots of milkshakes! got to keep packing on the nutrients to give these wiggler’s a better chance of staying happy inside me for a good long while.

so yeah, it’s been a relatively quiet couple of days and honestly i’m not sure i’m quite ready to come out of this hibernation, but i wanted to thank you for the words of encouragement and gentle smacks for my bad behavior last week. you’re just the best.

i’ll be back soon and promise to check back in with you all. sorry for the lack of comments. i have been reading… just, you know, quiet. i could get used to this.

hey up there…. listen up!

April 22, 2009

yeah that’s pretty much what my body started yelling this morning as i made my way into the shower after yet another ridiculously long day at work. the last few weeks have delivered the ultimate arse-kicking to this here lady. we’ve been launching a big project which i’ve been working on for two years and this was the big opening week. holy moly. add an extra 30 hours on top of my regular 40 and you get a body that is about to fall apart.

last night was the big event and i had finally started to relax but of course something went awry and instead i spent the hours of 7-midnight freaking out and making calls and getting everything fixed. and well, yeah i think those four hours were the straw that broke this poor camel’s back. i woke up this morning like a zombie. slid into one of the dresses that still fits me and slothed my way into work in order to lead tours of our big donors. and i just couldn’t do it.

i literally lasted about two hours in the office. luckily my lovely friend took my tours and i dragged myself back to the train for my commute back home. i fell asleep almost instantly on the train.

i’ve decided to give my body and the wiggler’s a break and work from home tomorrow and friday i luckily have off. if it weren’t for them i’m sure i’d just keep going but the thought of pushing myself even further than i already have and having something happen would be something i’m not sure i could ever forgive myself for.

the wiggler’s must have known i needed a swift kick in the pants in order to see the big picture in all this. so that’s just what they gave me. yup, i felt them. i’m not sure if i’ve felt both or just one of them but for the last three nights i’ve gotten some kooky fluttering vibrations on the top and side of my expanding midsection… then today, as i was climbing this silly high stone stairway at work i felt my first kick. it was a tiny one, but made me laugh out loud. and with that, i bid my adieu and packed up my things and away we went. all three of us.

so maybe i went home, and maybe i still checked my email like every five minutes, and maybe i still participated in two conference calls in the afternoon… but ladies, at least i was lying down, right! i mean that’s got to count for something.

tomorrow i’m going to try and step back even further. i’m taking a cue from dear kate and be still and maybe even quiet for once. it sounds pretty good to me.

slowly out from under the covers

April 15, 2009

headache abated. a mere 70+ hours later. after 11 hours at work on monday i headed straight to the gym to float for a good 45 minutes. i think it helped. tuesday morning i woke with some light weirdness but luckily as the day went on everything melted away. today is the first day i’ve felt 100%. geez, that was a long road ladies.

thanks for your tips. i absoutely need to get another acupuncture appointment on the books. my regular lady was out of town during the migraine sadly, which added to the pool being closed made me tear up more than a few times. thankfully DH has some kick-ass deep tissue massage techniques. i think my neck is still a bit sore from all the rubbin’ but it’s well worth the pain-free existence.

this week on the whole is kicking my ass. work is insane at the moment. all should be well by friday but the next two days are going to be rough. i need to find somewhere to nap during the day.

under knives

April 12, 2009

i have a headache. not the mild lingering and annoying headaches i’ve been getting pretty regularly for the last two weeks each afternoon. a real killer. a migraine. this is my second migraine since i got knocked up but the last one never got out of the starting blocks really. i ended up letting her loose in the pool after a good long float on a noodle one sunday afternoon. but today. this is different. she’s been kicking around inside my right eye for close to 30 hours now. and she shows no sign of tiring. i, however, am ready to call it quits.

i’m not sure if any of you ever get these damn headaches. i’m lucky enough to not get all the bells and whistles that can sometimes accompany her visits… the aura, the vomiting (well not always). but writhing in pain wondering if it wouldn’t be so bad as it sounds to literally smash a hammer into the side of my temple just to ease the pressure a bit, that though becomes more and more appealing as the hours tick away.

i tried all my usual tricks sans medication, which of course i can’t take now that the wiggler’s are on board. i tried the cold compress, the deep tissue neck massage a la DH, the dark room with a cold washcloth over my eyes since 9:30 last night. nothing. i tried to get up and have a really long stretch. nothing. i tried crying. belive it or not, crying (though it makes the headache worse intially) can sometimes let go of an enormous amount of tension. this time nothing. DH says maybe i just didn’t cry hard enough. but honestly i’m too tired to cry. i’m not sure i have anything to cry about. and mostly i was crying because the pain is so bad i can’t honestly figure out how i’m going to make it out from under these knives.

i thought, at least if i can make it through the night (thank you tylen.ol p.m.) i can go to the gym first thing and lay in the pool try to relax all the muscles in my back and neck. but guess what, it’s easter. EASTER. and the gym she is not open. damn it. so now what. i’m sitting in the dark window-shuttered living room hoping for an easter miracle. i think i’ll be waiting for a very long time.