i’ve tossed around the idea of starting a blog to document this strange journey we find ourselves on for quite some time, so many pros and cons i guess, but today after some disheartening news i think i just need a little camaraderie from other girls-in-the-know.
so first some history, i was diagnosed in 2003 with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia and had many rounds of chemo and an autogolous bone marrow transplant (meaning i actually transplanted myself due to the wonders of technology) and now close to five years later we’re trying to make a baby with the help of some dear stranger and her magic eggs.
honestly when i was diagnosed with cancer i was more upset about finding out i’d most likely be infertile than i was about being sick. it’s just easier to understand the magnitude of infertility than it is to imagine what cancer will feel like. sure i was scared and worried and ok, seriously flipping out that i had leukemia, but i just couldn’t get past the fertility thing. because my cancer was of the abtly named “acute” variety i had to start chemo just 12 hours after my diagnosis, this obviously left no time for noodling about storing eggs and ovarian tissue, etc. so after my first round of chemo and having two weeks off from treatment we went to a fertility specialist to see what we could do. the answer… sadly, was not much. because of my weakened immune system and my upcoming secondary round of chemo and looming bone-marrow tranplant, the doc said it was simply too dangerous to do anything. i was crushed. i just fell apart. and so i tried my best to push it out of my head. i had to get through all the treatment after all, i had to survive this disease which took the lives of all except a lucky 19% of those in affected. so i moved forward.
and survive i did. and five years later we’ve opened back up this still raw topic. i’m not sure it ever goes away, the pain of loss that comes from infertility, no matter how or why it happens to you. and as we move closer to DE IVF that loss lessens in some ways and grows in others. the reality of having a baby of our own that i am able to carry and birth and nurse warms my heart, i never thought that would be possible, but accepting that there really is no possibility that by some act of random magic that my ovaries will one day kick back into gear and we can get pregnant all by ourselves, well, that’s a harder thing to let go of.
so today, after weeks of wading through pre-screening at our clinic and searching through their donor lists and finding a match who felt so right and good, we found out today that the clinic can’t seem to reach her. she’s gone essentially AWOL. and now, we might have to start all over again.
my friends, who are dear and loving and just not having any idea what this all feels like, say, “well, maybe it’s for the best”, “there’s always a reason when things like this happen”, “if this is how she is you don’t want her eggs anyhow” and though i know they’re just trying to make me feel better, it just makes it all feel worse.
infertility is just so damn lonely.