Archive for the ‘Infertility’ Category

grateful

May 11, 2009

my heart has been so heavy. heavy for my dear internet friend kate. something she wrote in her most recent post has been winding through my head all weekend. “With loss sometimes comes the chance at a new beginning, a different beginning, a different and perhaps even better outcome.”

sometimes it is the hardest of times that give us the most reward. these rewards take a while to come. they are hard won and sometimes don’t feel like the true gift they are until so far down the road it’s hard to imagine the pain and difficulty that catapulted the path the brought us to them.

i’ve been thinking so much about these little people growing inside me. about how amazed i am that they have stuck with me for so long. so far so good. each time i feel them shift or kick i let myself believe this is all happening. and i remember that without the struggle and devastation of my past they wouldn’t be here at all.

perhaps without the past i would have experienced this with some other little person, but that’s not the point. the point is that without cancer, without the loss of my fertililty, without the encouraging words of a friend or the strength of DH, i would never be where i am today.

these little people, even without my DNA, are a part of me because of these journeys. because of the past. because of my body’s ability to keep me strong enough to survive through all the challenges of my history. and for that i am so grateful.

i’ve said before that in many ways cancer has been the best thing that ever happened to me. and now there is one more example of why i hold that true. actually make that two reasons. i really hope one day i’ll have the honor of meeting them face to face to thank them for making me see what can be born from all that pain.

and i truly hope all of us reach that pinnacle one day. in whatever way we accept to find it.

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holy crap!

August 29, 2008

she’s triggering tonight!! that means i start PIO tomorrow and jeff’s boys are up to the plate on saturday morning! holy crap. i’m seriously a bit loopy at the moment. super excited and oh so freaked out all at the same time. yipe!

say hello to my little friend!

August 6, 2008

okay i need some help! i started taking BCP for our upcoming cycle, we’re doing a shared cycle so we all go on at the same time so that we’re all ready about the same time. here’s the rub… i haven’t had a cycle in years so i wasn’t sure how this was going to go. i started the pills a few weeks ago and have a week left in my pack before i hit the sugar pills. so today when i found myself weepy and exhausted i figured i was just reacting to the hormones after 2 years without any and well, just plain tired, and then i popped into the loo for a quick pit stop before running some errands and there she was. ye olde friend from my fertile years past. WTF!

so what do i do? does this have any impact on my cycle? i’m trying to tell myself that since i don’t really have a cycle then it shouldn’t be a big deal but i’m starting to freak out. will this impact my cycle in any way??!! HELP!

holding my breath

July 9, 2008

geez. that was a long time underwater. that’s what it seemed like to me. but here i am past another hurdle. i’m sorry to have disappeared for geez, well, like forever, but after losing donor #3 and #4 i felt like i needed to keep to myself for a while until i had something more to say than, “lost another one”. i mean who would have thunk it would take five separate donors to actually get to the schedule dates phase. we haven’t even begun the cycle yet. five donors, six months, and hundreds of rolled eyes and disappointed glances. but we’re back!

so now where are we, well i got the word today that we’ll start BCP in two weeks and then go from there. i’ve never been so excited to have someone start jabbing me with needles. yehaw! it’s taken so long to get to this stage for us and i hope to hell i’m not coming out of the woodwork too soon. don’t want to jinx myself but i just feel so flipping excited that we’ve made it one more step closer.

ahh. so there you have it. i’m back. and hopefully for a full cycle. yipe! let the games begin!

third time’s a charm?

May 4, 2008

you’re really not going to believe this. i know i thought it was a joke at first, but sadly it’s the truth.

donor #2 has also gone MIA. not the same cruel MIA of #1, this time due to some medical issue, she has had to pull out of our cycle.

so it was a bizarre week indeed. but i guess it’s getting me to use a skill i am usually quite good at avoiding, patience. so when i got the email from the nurse telling me to start all over again. well. i just laughed. asked for a new password and got back to searching.

we’ve chosen #3 so wish us luck. i really hope this time things progress as planned. who knows maybe we can actually start a cycle this time.

out of the woodwork

April 29, 2008

good golly, it’s a darn good thing we’ve got this de ivf thing going or i might just implode with all the pregnant friends coming out of the woodwork. i can’t believe it. seriously every day there seems to be a newly pregnant friend turning up in my email. either pregnant or newly mothered. i’m super happy for these ladies of course, but it hurts nonetheless. i really hate that i hear this kind of news and am instantly filled with anxiety and dread. guess i better get used to it. it seems i’m hitting the age when everyone and their (ok you get it)  are getting pregnant and fast. if this doesn’t drive an infertile to drink, i’m not sure what will.

goodbye blue sunday

April 28, 2008

for some reason the last few sundays have really been hard for me. i don’t know what it is about sunday. saturday i’m fine, out in the sun and enjoying my time off from work, but sundays seem lonely. i feel so utterly unmotivated it’s disheartening. i think about how i should clean the house, how i should work on the plethora of projects that need to be checked of the list. and then, i just sit here. sometimes i lay in bed with the pup. just blue. that’s all.

j works all weekend long so i usually get my fix of alone time. something i’ve always relished. i used to spend hours being creative. sewing, drawing, even cooking. but these days i just wander around in my head and wonder what the heck i’m doing in my pajamas at 3pm.

today i took the pup on a long walk this morning. went to a bridal shower for a dear friend. then came home and got in bed. my friend knows about the de & ivf stuff and has been super supportive. we’ve been joking that she’ll have to schedule her baby-making with our cycles. all fun and games of course, i made some joke about how she should set her sights on late june. ha ha. she said, “well, i want to make sure you’re pregnant first and then we’ll start trying”. uh…ok. so i know i set myself up for that one. but it all made me realize yeah, of course this might not work. this really might not work. this friend is in her late 30s and has no care in the world for her fertility. sure, she can just wait til we’re confirmed and then let thems eggs rip.

i know i’m overreacting. i’m moody, i’m worn out, my back aches and i have started to  grow some cruel joke of a sympathy belly. i almost look pregnant. ugh. i just want this cloud to lift and get going with all this. i hate all the waiting. makes me feel like a crazy person to be thinking about this all the time. even lonelier in a way. just me and my thoughts and the gray sky above.

all caught up

April 26, 2008

so we finally heard from our nurse and seems all things are beginning to line up out in front of us. still not sure when i’ll start bcp, because of my history with blood clots, (oh did i not yet mention that blip in my medical history… quick recap, let’s see… two summers ago on the very weekend of the anniversary i was diagnosed with leukemia, and after some funny business in the right leg making me a bit nervous, i went in for an ultrasound and found out i had the mother of all blood clots filling my entire vein from knee to groin. nice! went to hospital immediately where they did a routine chest x-ray to make sure i didn’t have pulmonary embolism i.e. blood clots in my lungs, which they were sure i didn’t have because i felt fine in the ol’ wind pipes don’t you see, and much to everyone’s surprise, most especially moi, i had two big ol’ emboli staring back at me from my scan…. ) sooo, yeah, we’ll wait until the last possible moment to start those friendly bcp ‘s which were what was deemed to be the reason all my blood ran (or didn’t run so well) amok. this bit of history also means that as soon as i begin any of my hormone injections i’ll be adding on a daily injection of lovanox to keep my veins all drippy and thin. ye olde blood thinner. at least it’s sub cutaneous.

geez, so that was one big sidetrack, what i popped in to say today was actually that yay, we’re on our way. hopefully i’ll be starting the pills next week some time and we’re looking at a transfer date (if all goes as planned) for sometime at the end of march! craziness!

and to celebrate i plan on eating as much soft cheese and wine as i can. ahem. well, just in case we’re lucky enough for this cycle to work. i have to keep reminding myself to not get too far ahead of myself. i don’t want to be devastated if the betas come back thumbs down. i need to be realistic though, i will be devastated i’m sure but i can look forward to more cycles i guess. we’re doing a shared risk plan so we get 6 fresh cycles and if all those fail, our money back to look into other options.

sooo… i will take julie’s advice and just try to take this whole darn thing one needle-filled day at a time.

now?… how about now?… ok, how about now?

April 20, 2008

it’s possible i’m the most impatient person on this here planet. we made our donor pick final last saturday and the match was complete by monday and yet i’ve heard nothing all week from the scheduling nurse and still have no idea when we’ll get this boat a sailin’. we went the shared donor route so there’s a lot more to get on target before we can all begin, but geez, i’m so ready for this first cycle to begin. out damned eggs, out i say!

donor a go-go

April 15, 2008

so we’re back in the saddle on the donor front. Donor A did indeed vanish into thin air never to return. So after a few uneasy days and armed with a not so lenghthy list of suitors (oh I mean donors) from which to choose we clicked the reserve button this weekend to let the games begin. So now I can migrate ever so sublty from the choose or lose phase onto the cycle-up ladies phase, otherwise known as ready-set-inject! ok, not so fast, still have all the scheduling to attend to.

i don’t really know any other DE IVFer’s personally, never talked to another woman going through or having gone through all this but i wonder if it’s a common experience to suddenly start obsessively believing that your own body will kick in before it’s too late. Starting a cycle with all the hope and excitement it brings, also brings about another familiar friend… loss. i will wake up and feel a twinge of nausea or a wee bit bloated and immediately think… maybe i’m pregnant! i will start to think about why none of the doctors i’ve been to gave me a chance to try to stimulate my own ovaries, i work myself into a frenzy of doubt, maybe they didn’t because they’d rather me spend more money at their clinic for the DE IVF, or maybe they don’t want any bad response to weaken their good percentages… then after the latest hot flash passes i remember, i remember that i have been in menopause for 5 long years now. i remember that my FSH levels are as high as they are because there is no egg popping out of my sad and tiny ovaries. i remember that we did go through all the research and findings for people and my situation and the odds are not on my side. i remember that even if there were even a handful of eggs left for us to experiment with that is only the first step in a long road to them actually being viable. it is then i look back to the donor as the most amazing opportunity for us to become parents. then that i truly appreciate the miracles of science. but it still sits there, the doubt and loss deep in my gut, that not even my husband can fully understand.

i’m excited about our first cycle. i’m also scared and lonely in my head. i want this all to work so much and i know that’s not enough to make it a positive. i worry that i won’t be a good enough mom to this potential donor egg when it finally meets becomes an embryo and lives with me for 9 months. if we are so lucky. i worry that j will have a much closer bond to the child and i will feel left out. and then i take a deep breath and just let go. this process doesn’t get any easier, so i better just take it all one step at a time. or good gravy, i might just self-combust, and well that wouldn’t be good for anyone.