Archive for the ‘fear’ Category


September 21, 2009

i can’t believe i’m still posting with these babies still all cozy-ed up inside me. seems crazy. i spent so many months so worried they would come early and now it seems they don’t want to come out at all. but it may not be up to them… we’ve been scheduled for induction this thursday at 7am. yup, that’s in three days!

i was hoping just getting the date would motivate my body to get going but it’s been four days since we found out and well, i have had some hours of hard core contractions that seemed to be leading to the big day and then everything just fizzled out. it’s happened two big times, i was sure it was coming and then… nothing. oh well, at least my body’s getting ready.

i definitely feel more secure having a date to focus on though. i know the longer these babes have inside the bigger and stronger they will be when they finally emerge but i also have fear. i’ve been too close to the tragedy of stillbirth with my dear friend that knowing this is never a sure-thing has me feeling waves of panic as well. i’m trying to focus on the positives and keep on top of my kick counts. it’s all i can do.

so unless everything changes in the next two days we have an end to this part of the journey in sight. and even though these last few weeks have been hard on my body and have left me a weeping sally, i will so miss these little bodies inside me. it’s such a personal experience for us now, it will be amazing to meet them and for DH to be able to hold them like i’ve been able to these long 9+ months. i’ll try to post if anything happens. and thanks so much for all your support through these wacky travels. i’m so blessed to have such support.



August 26, 2009

after feeling pretty damn amazing for being just over 8 months pregnant this week revealed things can certainly change quickly.

friday night i woke up at 1:30am to a pretty strong BH contraction. no biggie, i’ve had them since 15 weeks so they’re not something i tend to freak out over since they are never consistent and really are just more annoying than anything else. But from 1:30-2:30 they came every 10 minutes. (thank you application icontraction) then from 2:30-6:00am they were more like every 5-7 minutes. weird. i called L&D at about 2:45 to say this is different than anything i’ve experienced before. They said to call back if the contractions got down to 5 minutes apart or less and stayed that way for an hour or more. I laid back down and kept track for the next few hours, they just kept coming but stayed above 5 minutes the entire time. I finally called back at about 5:45am to say that they haven’t dropped below five minutes but they are still very consistent and all the water i’m drinking and lying on my side doesn’t seem to be doing squat. Also, I’m only 33 weeks so if I was going into labor I would still need steroid shots to help the babies lungs out. I was so worried by the time I’d get to the hospital it would be too late. The doc said, well why don’t you come in at 7am (since shift change was about to happen which would mean i’d most likely be waiting for quite a while to get seen.) I laid back down at 6am to try to get some rest until 7 and next thing i knew it was 9am.
When I woke up the contractions were gone for the most part, and if i did have any they were back to their inconsistent norm. I decided to just take it easy, eat some breakfast and see how the morning went before I went in. I met a dear friend for coffee half a block from the house and as soon as I sat down i just lost it. I think it was a combo of exhaustion from being up all night, fear that these babies were going to come early and not be ok, and hell, extreme fear that these babies were going to come and i won’t know what to do with them. i think i finally realized how imminent this all is and it scared the pants off me. Don’t get me wrong, after so long in this journey all I want is to meet these little people and to know they are ok. but that doesn’t mean i don’t still shake from the idea of knowing that I don’t know anything about babies or being a mom and my world is about to change oh so dramatically. I know we’ll be ok, we’ll figure it out, we want this more than anything, but it’s still a big transition.

anyway, with one look at me my friend said, “i’m pulling the car around and we’re going to L&D”, j was off on a run for work and wasn’t available so I hopped in the car and away we went. At L&D the babies and I were hooked up to the monitor and they looked just wonderful. Moving a ton and good strong heartbeats, my contractions were still willy nilly and showing up.

They checked my cervix and found that I was 50% effaced, no dilation though which was great to know. And apparently I was 50% effaced at my appointment on wednesday though no one thought to mention that to me. So after a few hours and no change in my cervix I was released and came home. The next two days I was over the top exhausted. I couldn’t do much more than sleep and eat.

It’s been two days since then and I feel much better. my energy has returned a bit but i’m vastly more uncomfortable. a few weeks ago i would have said i thought i’d make it all the way to 38 weeks, but now, well, i ain’t so sure. i feel like i’ll be lucky if i make it past friday. PLEASE let me make it past friday!!

now excuse me while i attempt to dislodge a baby head from under my right ribcage so i can finish my workday.

just when you think you’re ok

April 30, 2009

last night has thrown me for a loop. i got home from work (which was a really quiet day, only one meeting!) i had felt pretty pooped all day and as soon as i walked in a decided to take a nap. i slept on the couch for about an hour and when DH came home i went upstairs to the bed to continue my lazing about before getting up to meet a friend at 8pm. and that’s when it started. around 7pm all of a sudden my entire abdomen clenched. it scared the shit out of me. was this a contraction? braxton hicks? i’ve never felt anything like it and it totally freaked me out. DH brought me up glass after glass of water which i’ve read is the first thing you should do if you feel like you’re having contractions as dehydration can cause them. I had no pain just complete tightness. i called my doc around 7:15 who said, keep drinking and lying down and call back in an hour if it didn’t stop.

it. didn’t. stop. DH drove me to labor and delivery at 8:15 and they checked me out. luckily my cervix is completely closed so they don’t think it was anything more than my body growing and stretching and well, perhaps contracting but after a few hours they sent me back home with the remark, “this just might be your normal, we’ll have to wait and see.” apparently it’s quite common for people to have contractions throughout with no sign or pre-term labor. of course i have to keep as restful as i can for the next few days and look out for other more worrisome signs. but all is (i guess) well again.

i can’t say i feel too relieved by their words. the clenching came and went throughout my visit to the hospital but finally subsided late last night. the entire episode scared the crap out of me. it made me realize how tenuous this all still is. and having two nurses say, well you know if you were to have them now they are not old enough to survive (um, I KNOW! which is why i’m freaking out!) didn’t help much.

i have come so far. 17 weeks tomorrow! and yet i’m so very far away from the coveted 29th week of viability. i’m holding out for 36 weeks when more than likely everything with these two beings inside me will be ok. these little wigglers who with every twitch and wiggle have buried into my heart.

i just want this so much it scares me to know it could all still fall apart. i already knew this was true but i’ve been feeling so amazing that i didn’t really let those thoughts seep too far past the surface.

it’s back to working from home for a few days. and a quiet (with no painting!) weekend on the sofa. maybe a slow swim. damn it. i just have to believe in this even though it’s so scary to do so. i have to believe in these two beating hearts. i have to believe in my body. that’s just all i can do.


April 6, 2009

yeah, i’ve kind of disappeared. sorry about that. work is crazy at the moment and any minute i’m not spending running around the office like a mad woman i’m spending on the couch in a daze.

i have another OB appointment this thursday so we’ll get to see the wigglers again. until then we’ve been busy working on the house. nothing like the sun to kick start renovations. we re-structured the garden (again, yeah , we seem to do this every year) and DH started work on a part of the roof that needs some help. next up the upstairs hallway and dare i say, guest room/nursery redux. i’m not quite ready to even venture into that room and begin thinking plans to be honest. i have one crib that we bought a while ago in storage at my mother’s house and very nicely out of sight. but i’m not over any paranoia of what can still go wrong. what does and has gone wrong for far too many people and i’m not one to look past the minority side of stats. i’ve been on the wrong side a few too many times to believe these things can’t happen to me.

i’m not actually feeling actively anxious or worried, but i understand the risks of letting myself go full throttle. allowing my irl friend and mother of identical twins lend me a few multiples books is as far as i’ve gone in terms of bringing stuff into the house.

ah so. we now find ourselves 13w3d which is totally mindblowing. the belly she is a growing. i’m actually not sure how much longer i’ll be able to keep this on the downlow, especially at work. last week i wore a jean skirt and a little vintage button down shirt that barely fits me but whatever and i really thought this outfit is the best, no on can tell in this. bubble broken when the first person i saw that morning (a friend who knows i’m knocked up) exclaimed, “oh you look so adorably pregnant in that outfit”. i was flabbergasted. damn. i guess the hiding will only go for so long. i’d just like to make it past 14 weeks before i have to tell my boss.

when did you tell work you were expecting? evey time i feel close to being comfortable telling, i reset my dates and think, perhaps if i wait until after our next appt. or our next ultrasound…. it’s just that once you tell, it’s not something you can untell and if the shit hits the fan, well. you’re outed.

who’d like to slap me first?

February 26, 2009

last night was a doozy. the nausea came back full force late in the evening and then i spent most of the night on a heating pad with terrible back pain and awful AF-like cramps. nice! The turn of events gave me both confidence and anxiety.

then today we saw them again up there on the screen happy as they ever were, hearts beating away. beating in sync actually. They both measureing heart rates of exactly 159.20. Our doc said she’d never quite seen that before. A few beats off yes, but exact! crazy.

so yeah, i know. i’m a doomsday worrywort. I can blame the hormones or the past or melodrama. but mostly i just want to look forward to leaving for our trip and knowing all is well so far with our little ones on board.

i’ll be far from the computer for the next 12 days. hope everyone has a lovely end to february. cheers!

not so sure

February 25, 2009

i felt pretty normal for the most part today too. unsettling. by the end of my crazy last day in the office before our trip i had spent nearly 10 hours running back and forth and making calls to make sure all is covered while i’m away. and on the train ride home, i started blubbering. i’ve just been so convinced the shit is hitting the fan. i want to be really positive but i was having a really hard time the last two days. which is funny because from tuesday last week through monday this week i had so much confidence in this pregnancy you wouldn’t have recognized me. i had no worries going into my last ultrasound. i knew everything was ok. i knew there would still be two little ones in there and i knew their hearts would be beating.

now, i’m not so sure what’s going on but i’m hoping it’s just all part of the cycle. i feel awful tonight but not awful like i’d felt all last week when my confidence was booming. the familiar nausea has been replaced with an overall yucky stomach and a lump in the back of my throat. add to that some light period like cramping and back pain and this girl is not sure which way is up.

i’ve been worrying all day and frankly, i’m tired of me and my worrying. so tonight i had a good cry on the way home from work. i had some dinner. i’m doing laundry and packing and starting to just feel calm again.

i hope in my heart that tomorrow morning will bring nothing but reassurance. and if not, well, i will be a mess. but at least i will be a mess in spain and not in my office. see that girls… that’s looking on the bright side!

i’ll try to check in tomorrow and leave word of my status before we hit the airport.

thanks again for all your support. i would be a puddle on the floor without you all out there helping to hold me up. thank you thank you thank you.

where in the world is my modern day vomitorium

February 16, 2009

the end of the week gave me such confidence. i spent the entirety of thursday trying not to vomit on my co-workers. i walked around the office with a plastic bag in my pocket (just in case) and spent every waking minute stuffing my face with vitamin c drops to keep the nausea from mounting. friday was better, only half as bad as the day before. saturday only a blip of sick waving past me from time to time. then sunday, no nausea at all. not once. instead my weak stomach was replaced with a terrible blue. i cried almost every hour. wow, i’m super fun to hang out with.

today i spent nearly all day waiting in my hematologists office for him to see me. it seems over the last week i’ve developed this sweet bump in my spine just below my neck and another doc said it might be a hematoma under my spine, perhaps being caused by a bleed into my spine. nice! luckily hema doc says no way, looks like it might be all, hmm, what d’ya call it… oh yeah, stress related. ha! who would’ve thunk it.

luckily i had already booked an acupuncture session for today. after hysterically blubbering again and many needle sticks i can say i rounded out the day happily exhausted at the grocery store chugging sparkling water. ok.

i guess all this rambling post is meant to tell you all is that i’ve hit a bit of a rough patch. i’m spending my days worrying. worrying nonstop, worrying about losing these babies, having these babies, carrying these babies and dying by either a blood clot or cancer (yeah this one is really a fun one), and oh yeah, dying on our flight to spain next week.

so yeah. things are super awesome here. i’m getting really sick of myself. so hopefully today i’ve started putting this nutso underworld in my head to rest. at least for the evening. i loaded up on lots of veggies and yumminess at the store and i’m on my way to a warm bath and then bed.

thank you so much for all your support over the last week. i really appreciate this community so much. it’s truly the only place to come where i know i won’t feel alone.  i hope you can bear with me through these downer posts. i’m trying to get back into the niceties of this journey for which i am so grateful. it might not seem like it i know. but it’s there. i just got to remember how to hold it closer to the light.

what i didn’t expect

February 11, 2009

it’s weird. i came out of that appointment feeling so excited and hopeful and now i feel so blue. so worried. so convinced this all won’t last. i’m not sure if it’s just the knowing that last time we had a great first ultrasound too. that last time two days after that ultrasound i started to bleed and by the next week (when i next ultrasound will be) everything was over. i’m scared to death of a repeat and i can’t shake it.

i know this is a tough road and i know there are many folks out there who have been on it much longer than we have, who have many more losses and who haven’t had as much hopeful news as we’ve had so far. so why can’t i just relax and be happy. instead i’m sitting in front of my computer not getting much work done and trying not to fall apart.