still here

i’m having a hard time finding words these days. it’s not that i don’t have anything brewing in this head of mine. all in all, i’m feeling great for the most part. my middle is surely expanding and the wiggler’s are constantly on the move. my hips are really sore at night, guess i’m expanding in other parts of my body too and leg cramps are a new pal of mine.

but i am happy. i am grateful. i am so lucky to have made it this far. 21 weeks and counting.

but outside of myself i mourn. i mourn for my dear friend and the loss of her son. i try my best to stand beside her and hold her up when she falters. i am just so sorry this has happened and shocked still by the true reality of it. i keep thinking, even weeks after, that maybe it was all a mistake. maybe he’s ok. but i know it’s all true. i know his little life is gone and part of my friend has gone with him. and i am just so angry that things like this can happen.

so that’s where i am. up and down. down and up. but mostly, mostly just thankful. for my own growing beans who are still kicking around in there. and for this friendship that means so very much to me.


7 Responses to “still here”

  1. Cara Says:

    21 weeks…wow. The miracle is there – but amist all the grief it might be hard to see. Soon…very soon.

  2. mekate Says:

    I am so happy to see you here– and so happy to know things are going well for you. I am sorry for the hip soreness and the cramps. And so delighted at the belly and the wigglers. And Oh how I am sorry for your friend and her loss, and yours.

    I think being present for someone, being truly emotionally available is the greatest gift you can offer in times of grief– during the acute phase where even breathing seems impossible, but maybe even more so as time passes and most folks get on with their lives. She is very lucky to have you as a friend t, there is nothing easy about being present when someone is in such pain, and being present in the face of such a loss. It is impossible for me to imagine it, as I’ve said, and I hope I never know. But you, so glad you are feeling lucky in these wonderful ways, with your own pregnancy and with your friendship.

    Here’s to joy and miracles and love and time–
    warmly, Kate

  3. Sarah Says:

    you can be as appreciative and in awe of what’s happening in your belly and it doesn’t change the unfairness of everything that’s come before and/or that others close to us go through. it is very odd navigating the “other side” of all this when you finally get lucky, and it’s so hard to explain that without sounding ungrateful. sounds like you’re being as good a friend as anyone can be.

  4. mekate Says:

    Thinking of you,
    and hoping you are ok, as peaceful as you can be, and I hope you are reveling.
    Are you here in NH now? or is this just where you came from?
    warmly, Kate

  5. mekate Says:

    me again, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you, and hoping you are doing well. I miss you here, although I understand your quiet- so it is not a chastisement, just truth.
    wishing you all good things, Kate

  6. mekate Says:

    sending warm thoughts your way
    and a hello.
    hope all is well,

  7. mekate Says:

    hello t, it is rainy here in new hampshire tonight, a morning of rain, an afternoon of amazing layers of clouds, fluffy and high and whispy and low and sharp edged, piles and piles and piles of every color of gray. Now rain, but the garden sure is green and the basement is pretty darn wet,
    trying to stay positive.

    thinking of you and hoping that your summer is going wonderfully in every possible way, with just enough sunshine and just enough shade.


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