grateful

my heart has been so heavy. heavy for my dear internet friend kate. something she wrote in her most recent post has been winding through my head all weekend. “With loss sometimes comes the chance at a new beginning, a different beginning, a different and perhaps even better outcome.”

sometimes it is the hardest of times that give us the most reward. these rewards take a while to come. they are hard won and sometimes don’t feel like the true gift they are until so far down the road it’s hard to imagine the pain and difficulty that catapulted the path the brought us to them.

i’ve been thinking so much about these little people growing inside me. about how amazed i am that they have stuck with me for so long. so far so good. each time i feel them shift or kick i let myself believe this is all happening. and i remember that without the struggle and devastation of my past they wouldn’t be here at all.

perhaps without the past i would have experienced this with some other little person, but that’s not the point. the point is that without cancer, without the loss of my fertililty, without the encouraging words of a friend or the strength of DH, i would never be where i am today.

these little people, even without my DNA, are a part of me because of these journeys. because of the past. because of my body’s ability to keep me strong enough to survive through all the challenges of my history. and for that i am so grateful.

i’ve said before that in many ways cancer has been the best thing that ever happened to me. and now there is one more example of why i hold that true. actually make that two reasons. i really hope one day i’ll have the honor of meeting them face to face to thank them for making me see what can be born from all that pain.

and i truly hope all of us reach that pinnacle one day. in whatever way we accept to find it.

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2 Responses to “grateful”

  1. Emster Says:

    What a graceful and inspiring post.

    Mel’s book (land of IF) has a great line about DE. “Using DE you are not the genetic mother but you are the biological mother” I like the distinction. What do you think?

  2. Sarah Says:

    wow, that’s wonderful. it sounds like you’ve reached some level of acceptance about the pregnancy too that i wasn’t really ever able to achieve with piper, and which didn’t allow me to ever really experience it in a way. i was too terrified to let myself believe and it’s almost like it was never real, until after it was over. you can’t have this time back so it’s wonderful that you’re embracing it, even if with some trepidation.

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