Archive for May, 2009

no words

May 13, 2009

Was woken up this morning at 2am to the phone ringing. My dear closest friend here in town who is just weeks away from delivering her first child. I answered groggily and immediately heard her voice waiver, “t? I lost the baby”.

—- I can barely type this through my shock. But he is gone. And she waits. For her body to realize it’s time to deliver him. I can’t comprehend the horror of all this. I can’t explain it away. I can only hold her and cry with her and her husband and do what I can to help her through this wait. A wait they say that might take a few more days.

It’s all just so unbelievable. So unfair.

There are simply no words to describe how terrible it really is. So for now I’ll just to with silence.

Please think good thoughts for her.

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grateful

May 11, 2009

my heart has been so heavy. heavy for my dear internet friend kate. something she wrote in her most recent post has been winding through my head all weekend. “With loss sometimes comes the chance at a new beginning, a different beginning, a different and perhaps even better outcome.”

sometimes it is the hardest of times that give us the most reward. these rewards take a while to come. they are hard won and sometimes don’t feel like the true gift they are until so far down the road it’s hard to imagine the pain and difficulty that catapulted the path the brought us to them.

i’ve been thinking so much about these little people growing inside me. about how amazed i am that they have stuck with me for so long. so far so good. each time i feel them shift or kick i let myself believe this is all happening. and i remember that without the struggle and devastation of my past they wouldn’t be here at all.

perhaps without the past i would have experienced this with some other little person, but that’s not the point. the point is that without cancer, without the loss of my fertililty, without the encouraging words of a friend or the strength of DH, i would never be where i am today.

these little people, even without my DNA, are a part of me because of these journeys. because of the past. because of my body’s ability to keep me strong enough to survive through all the challenges of my history. and for that i am so grateful.

i’ve said before that in many ways cancer has been the best thing that ever happened to me. and now there is one more example of why i hold that true. actually make that two reasons. i really hope one day i’ll have the honor of meeting them face to face to thank them for making me see what can be born from all that pain.

and i truly hope all of us reach that pinnacle one day. in whatever way we accept to find it.

all is mighty swell

May 4, 2009

sorry for my mid-week freak out last week. i’ll try to blame it on a surge of hormones but i’m not sure how far that will get me.

things are all fine, my lovely nurse at my doc’s office gave me an overview of all the things i was feeling and how none of it should continue to worry me and i feel so much better. why they couldn’t explain it as easily as she did while at labor and delivery i just don’t know, but i’m so happy to be part of a practice that i feel so confident in and cared for.

so i’m back to normal for the most part. started a prenatal H20 class at my gym that is meant to start strengthening all those muscles i never use that will become very important in a few months and stretch out the muscles i never remember to stretch. have to say it was a bit of an ass-kicker but in a good way.

i’ve still be mostly absent from the computer so i’m sorry to have not been commenting. i’m coming back i promise. not sure where all my motivation has gone but i’m guessing i’ll find it somewhere once i have another milkshake or two.