what i didn’t expect

it’s weird. i came out of that appointment feeling so excited and hopeful and now i feel so blue. so worried. so convinced this all won’t last. i’m not sure if it’s just the knowing that last time we had a great first ultrasound too. that last time two days after that ultrasound i started to bleed and by the next week (when i next ultrasound will be) everything was over. i’m scared to death of a repeat and i can’t shake it.

i know this is a tough road and i know there are many folks out there who have been on it much longer than we have, who have many more losses and who haven’t had as much hopeful news as we’ve had so far. so why can’t i just relax and be happy. instead i’m sitting in front of my computer not getting much work done and trying not to fall apart.


5 Responses to “what i didn’t expect”

  1. kate Says:

    I just don’t think it is reasonable to think we can forget what we know and what we’ve experienced, even in the face of all that we are hopeful for–
    Be gentle with yourself, you can’t unknow or unexperience– the best you can do is move forward each day, step by step, and know that we’re all out here pulling for you. Warm wishes to you-Kate

  2. Emster Says:

    I think its normal to worry too. I’m not even pregnant and I am worried about repeating our loss. We all concentrate on getting pregnant but what happens when our dreams are answered and the fear sets in. We are all there with you. Step by step. Day by day.
    all the best, EB

  3. shinejil Says:

    We’re wired to look for patterns based on past experience (esp. past negative experience). You’re feeling something utterly natural. Just try to be patient with yourself.

    But it won’t be the same this time. It never is.

    Anyway, get yourself through this week the best you can–distraction! distraction! distraction!–until you’ve crossed the sad line.

  4. Sarah Says:

    well first of all forget about what anyone else has been through, all that matters is how you feel. and i seriously can’t imagine any sane person wouldn’t have the same fears about a repeat performance. it’s doesn’t mean it WILL happen again, its just a reflection of how deeply you don’t want it to. we can’t help but build these little defense mechanisms. our subconscious minds are kindda smart really.

  5. kate Says:

    just sending good wishes your way.

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