ups and downs

this wait so far has been, per usual, really frustrating. there are moments when i’m sure this cycle will be a success, like how i felt after four days of what i could only imagine was implantation cramping. then comes the lows where i’m convinced we’re headed back to the drawing bored next week, like today when the cramps feel more like AF coming on for a visit.

i know you can’t put any hope nor hindrance in symptoms like this due to all the drugs we happily inject into our bodies during these cycles but it’s hard not to notice it all.

i’m terribly impatient and i did poas twice. i know, it was a mistake. even though i saw two pink lines on my tests it gave me little to no comfort. it’s so early. early enough that this can easily turn into a dreaded chemical pregnancy.  yeah, today is a day when i can find little hope. i’m not sure where that feeling is coming from but i’m trying to distract myself before it brings me down.

right now it’s this familiar lower back pain and dull cramping that make me feel like hope is lost. AF. she is too familiar to disregard i think. and even though i shouldn’t see her because of all the meds the feel of me has me scared. i felt her the day i started bleeding 6 weeks into our first pregnancy. we never quite recovered.

so now i’ll curse those damn sticks and stear clear until beta day. i have no more in the house so it would be a lot of desperation that sends me to the store again.

beta is now monday. until then, i’ll just try not to go nuts inside this head of mine.

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One Response to “ups and downs”

  1. peeveme Says:

    Congratulations! Very exciting but I understand you need to be a bit cautious. Feb 23rd can’t get here fast enough.

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