a post wherein i realize holy crap it’s nearly transfer time!

as i might have mentioned before, i’ve been completely ignoring anything about the past serveral weeks that might make me realize that a transfer is coming up. i’m pretty sure through denial comes baby… right? oh wait, i think i have that mixed up with something else.

on my calendar i have firmly placed “retrieval” for jan. 19th. that gave me a full week more to bask in my denial of what’s to come. then last night as i was walking out of the office listening to my voicemail i distinctly hear my nurse say, looks like retrieval will be saturday. SATURDAY! my stars! i nearly fainted. now yes i know that saturday is really only two days before monday but somehow next week just became this week and well. it’s insane. and that’s not all, today i get a call saying everything looks so good, it looks like retreival will be friday. FRIDAY! wtf. now i’m completely off my rocker.

don’t get me wrong. this is the date we’ve been waiting for. another chance to give this old body another shot at pregnancy. but i’ve been so worried about getting hopeful and excited, only to be thwarted, that i basically went straight on over to my good friend ignorance is bliss. we’ve been watching bad tv and eating bon bons while swilling the red wine. so to be slapped back to reality with some date changes was a bit shocking. and probably a good thing. i went for acupuncture yesterday and completely started balling my eyes out after i explained that i have yet another BV infection (thank you del estrogen) and have to go back on flagyl and i was so worried about being on flagyl during transfer. but thems the breaks kid.

i realized after i got home and drew up a hot bath that i made myself sit in without the phone or tv or books to distract me, that part of what’s made this cycle hard to focus on is that i have spent all my energy trying not to focus on it. trying to pretend i didn’t want this so bad i can taste it, trying to prove to myself that if i forget about it and don’t put all my hope into this, that things might actually turn out ok. and here’s the thing…. i’m just no good at not being obsessively hopeful. i want this to work, i believe it can happen, i am excited and ready for this week to start. because even if i go into this without hope and things fail, where does that leave me? do i feel less devastated because i didn’t have hope to begin with. no. i just feel proved right. and about this i want to be wrong. i want to believe that things will work out and if they don’t, i want to be able to believe there will be another chance.

so hello friday, nice to meet you. i’ll see you bright and early in the waiting room as my husband makes his next deposit for our future family. cheerio.


One Response to “a post wherein i realize holy crap it’s nearly transfer time!”

  1. musicmakermomma Says:

    Exciting to have the ET moved up – I know just what you mean about not focusing on what’s ahead, trying not to get too invested but sooo wanting things to work. Lucky for both of us, it will work whether we are freaking out every minute or not! Sending good karma your way, hope you have excellent results!

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