sometimes the clouds are thicker

my “stay-cation” two weeks ago was so needed. i took the whole week off and just puttered around the house, painting and taking long walks with the pup. i just felt like if i went back to work right away i might punch the first person in the nose who tried to give me a hard time about anything work related. i’m feeling so over that place right now and i have no patience for petty arguments. some things are more important in life. so all week i was feeling great, relaxed and hopeful and well, happy.

so imagine my surprise when i got into the office this past tuesday morning and found that while i was gone the shit basically hit the fan because apparently people can’t accomplish simple things like ordering equipment without me telling them exactly how to click “buy” with their damn mouse. there were so many things that had fallen through the cracks and by 4pm i just couldn’t take it anymore. i just don’t understand why oh why people can’t seem to just take the 5 seconds necessary to figure things out and instead call me to figure it out for them. after a few hours of phone calls to fix all the lazy mistakes from the previous week i just fell apart. i started crying and i just couldn’t stop. luckily my friend was there to swoop me up and take me across the street for a glass of wine and a chat. i just didn’t understand, i had been fine until that last hour. i thought i had really worked through it all. after a glass of wine and some company i felt a lot better and left much more calm. jumped on the train and about halfway home i lost it again. by the time the train pulled into the station i was again inconsolable. i called my close friend, the one who is accidentally pregnant, and started balling into the phone about stupid co-workers and deadlines, and how angry i was. she convinced me to come over instead of heading to a friend’s birthday party by saying, perhaps i wouldn’t be the best company in my current state. so i pulled up to her house and the waterworks kept coming.

i haven’t cried like that in years. i just couldn’t stop. i was just so angry. i am so angry. angry that this didn’t work out, angry that my doctor can be a callous asshole and say things like how cute it was that i am still wearing maternity pants because i am so fucking bloated that i can’t yet fit back into regular clothes, so angry that my mom is going through the all-too-familiar road of cancer, so angry that i can’t have access to the donor list until my levels are back to zero. angry and scared to death that by the time i do have a child that one or both of my parents could be gone. just. so. angry.

i have never been one to call on fairness to get me through the day. a lot of cancer patients feel their diagnosis to be unfair, the “why me?” question a familiar one, i never really felt like that actually, i always felt like, why NOT me. things happen to all kinds of people and i got through it knowing that even though it happened to me i knew i would get through it. then when the blood clots and pulmonary embolism struck i was just scared and freaked out that it all could have ended so quickly. but again i moved past it. but this, seriously, cancer diagnosis of my mom and the loss of my hopes of a child the next, here it is… WHY ME?!! this is not fair. it’s just a step too far. i just don’t understand how this shit hit the fan again.

i ended up flying up on friday after my mom’s surgery to be with my mom during her recovery. she is doing amazingly well and is such a great lady to be around. finally on saturday night i let her see how much i was struggling. i didn’t want to focus on me, i wanted to focus on her, but after 3 days of migraines because of all the stress and tension i was trying desperately to push really far down inside, i couldn’t contain it anymore. i fell apart and she was there. just like she always is.

so after a few days of tears and migraines, and a much needed massage yesterday morning, i’m finally feeling better. i’m feeling hopeful again. still scared and still angry but better.

i have been taking a hard look at this journey and wondering how many cycles i can handle. what if this next one doesn’t work. what then? we have 6 cycles in our package, but honestly, i don’t know how many of these negative rounds i can muster. i just wonder if it’s worth it, or do we move to adoption. not that that road is easier on the heart but perhaps it is easier on the body which i am again a bit afraid of.

i’ll be up here at my mom’s until wednesday evening and then back to work and reality. until then, i think i’ll enjoy the sunshine and my mom and dad and sister. and maybe another glass of wine.


3 Responses to “sometimes the clouds are thicker”

  1. shinejil Says:

    Have that glass of wine, and whatever else you need to get you through this. I find that the sorrow and rage can strike really unexpectedly and suddenly, and that the physical exhaustion and discomfort really amplify them. Having to deal with absolute idiots is really, really hard in this state.

    Sending hopes for healing to your mom and you.

  2. Summer Says:

    You’ve had to deal with a lot of difficult things in a short amount of time. It’s no wonder you feel a lot of rage and fear. The universe is asking a lot out of you right now.

  3. steppingthru Says:

    You have just gone through a very important stage in grief and loss. You needed that outlet. Bless your heart! You and your mom are still in my prayers.

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