i don’t really even know how to begin this post. i just feel so dark inside. so empty and hollow.

it all started yesterday. my mom found out that she has breast cancer. they found a dark spot during a routine mammogram and biopsied it then and there. she got the news last night. we don’t know what type it is yet or what stage and will find out more next week. so yesterday was a rough one.

and today just got worse. i had an ultrasound this afternoon. i’m 7w7days today but sadly the bug didn’t make it this far with me. there was no heartbeat and he only measured at 6w5d, that’s only two days bigger than the last time i saw him 9 days ago. so… i’m just falling. i can’t seem to let the words pass my lips. i can’t let this be over. and to make it all worst i just found out my closest friend here in town is pregnant, just a few weeks behind me which would have been so amazing but now it makes it that much harder. she was with me today at my appointment and was amazing and so supportive. but i just can’t feel anything but black.

i’ve asked to be opened up to the list again as soon as possible, so i can start looking towards the future instead of dwelling here in the darkness. maybe that seems crazy to rush right back in but to be honest it’s all i can think to do.

i have a d&c scheduled for tuesday. i just couldn’t imagine walking around for the next 4 weeks waiting for my body to take care of things on it’s own. not when i have a 2 1/2 hour commute by train each day. not when i am so far from home so often.

so now what. i know we’ll try to get a cycle going as soon as we can, but this one took us 9 months to get to, so that is already hard to consider. and as for my mom, we’ll take that one step at a time too.

not the 5-day weekend i had planned. i had been so excited about this long weekend for months. and now, well, i just can’t seem to imagine how i will go back to the office on wednesday. or how i’ll ever feel ok again. summer was right, it doesn’t matter what infertility means to each of us. the pain is always the same.


15 Responses to “empty”

  1. Summer Says:

    Oh no, no, no, no.

    I’m sorry. About your mom’s cancer and about your precious little one. I’m so sorry.

  2. Pam Says:

    I am so so sorry on both counts. My mom was diagnosed when I was 17 and I know how you are feeling. I really wanted everything to work for you guys.

  3. Penny Says:

    I’m so sorry.

  4. annacyclopedia Says:

    I’m here from the Lost & Found. I’m so sorry for all that you’re going through, and I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. bleu Says:

    I am so sorry.

  6. shinejil Says:

    I’m here from LnF, too. This just sucks. I’ve also been dealing with the double sucker punch of a dad with prostate cancer meets an ectopic. It really is too much to bear: Just do what you have to do to get through it. You have every right to be pissed and sad and sick of it all.

    Just know that you aren’t alone, that there are plenty of women out there facing the fear and loss, too. Feel free to lean on us, if that helps.

    Sending lots of virtual hugs your way.

  7. Michell Says:

    I’m so sorry.

  8. Newt Says:

    I am so deeply sorry. I hope your Mom has a complete and speedy recovery. My heart goes out to you and your whole family.

  9. Admin Says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, and for the stress and unknown of your mother’s illness. Take good care of yourself… as best you can. Thinking of you.

  10. noswimmers Says:

    I am SO SORRY. My thoughts are with you and your family…take one step at a time, that’s all you can do.

  11. Ally Says:

    I am so, so very sorry. I wish my words could do more to fix this, to help you, to do anything. But please know you are not alone. My heart aches for you and I am sending you all my love and strength.

  12. Michelle Says:

    I am so so sorry about everything! My thoughts and prayers go to you and your family. I hope your mom gets better soon!

  13. mingomama Says:

    I have no words to say how much I wish I could find you and hug you right now. I will keep both you and your mother in my thoughts and hold you both close to my heart.

    love and hugs

  14. steppingthru Says:

    I was referred her by a “Related Post” to one that I just posted. I have been in your shoes and I know you can’t see much in the future right now. Time will help but you have to give your heart time to heal as well as your body. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your mother.

  15. a beautiful gift called nausea « little bit of something Says:

    […] that so far things are happening inside me and to remember that we have come a long way since october when everything came crashing down. i know of course that it is still early. that all this came […]

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