a little pink never hurt anybody…. right?

so the week has been pretty non-eventful which i suppose accounts for my silence. thursday i got a major case of the blues. i don’t know if it was just leftover stress and anxiety from the earlier half of the week but i just couldn’t shake that down-in-the-dumps feeling all afternoon. i came really close to bursting into tears on the train home thursday night. friday was a bit better but i think it took me a while to get out of panic mode and start to feel better about things. to look forward, with hope and possibilities instead of fear and dread.

this weekend was great, i felt back at ease again. i haven’t had any morning sickness since tuesday, which is great, lucky me!, but at the same time makes me worried. because, well, geez, i need something to worry about.

then this morning i had a tiny bit of spotting again. just on the paper nothing in the toilet. no big red clots to completely freak me out again, just a little streak of pink. i know this is completely normal but still. yipe.

nancy, asked a great question the other day, “what is infertility?”, and i guess this is something i think about a lot. i didn’t have a “typical” entry into the world of IF, i didn’t go through unexplained years of not being able to get pregnant, i didn’t try month after month to get knocked up, i didn’t try rounds of clomid or other fertility drugs, hell, i didn’t even try ivf with my own eggs. because of my chemotherapy for leukemia  five years ago, i basically went from being happily fertile without a care in the world, to back from the brink of death and sadly infertile in a matter of months. i greived so much then for the loss of my fertility. so much so that to be honest it took me five years to even talk about it. it was just so complete. so untouchable. i really had a lot of work to do to let it go. and so for me, coming to DE IVF was a soley different experience than perhaps for most. i saw it as a shining chance. a chance to carry a child that i knew i would never have if not for modern medicine.

does that make me more or less infertile than others? when i started this blog i almost felt guilty about coming to the party so late. maybe i’m not infertile enough to find support out here. it’s true that to date i haven’t experienced the loss of a pregnancy, but loss is a familiar part of my life. and i think that is why this sign of pink on paper, or blood red in the bowl really brings me to my knees. it brings me back to the place of mourning, that time in my life when i would weep through each day at the thought of the loss of my future prodigy. the loss of my womanhood in a way. just plain loss.

i just have to keep looking ahead and know that my body is strong. it got me through those difficult years and it will get me through this.


One Response to “a little pink never hurt anybody…. right?”

  1. Summer Says:

    It doesn’t matter how you got to your infertility, the pain is basically the same.

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