Archive for October, 2008

sometimes the clouds are thicker

October 27, 2008

my “stay-cation” two weeks ago was so needed. i took the whole week off and just puttered around the house, painting and taking long walks with the pup. i just felt like if i went back to work right away i might punch the first person in the nose who tried to give me a hard time about anything work related. i’m feeling so over that place right now and i have no patience for petty arguments. some things are more important in life. so all week i was feeling great, relaxed and hopeful and well, happy.

so imagine my surprise when i got into the office this past tuesday morning and found that while i was gone the shit basically hit the fan because apparently people can’t accomplish simple things like ordering equipment without me telling them exactly how to click “buy” with their damn mouse. there were so many things that had fallen through the cracks and by 4pm i just couldn’t take it anymore. i just don’t understand why oh why people can’t seem to just take the 5 seconds necessary to figure things out and instead call me to figure it out for them. after a few hours of phone calls to fix all the lazy mistakes from the previous week i just fell apart. i started crying and i just couldn’t stop. luckily my friend was there to swoop me up and take me across the street for a glass of wine and a chat. i just didn’t understand, i had been fine until that last hour. i thought i had really worked through it all. after a glass of wine and some company i felt a lot better and left much more calm. jumped on the train and about halfway home i lost it again. by the time the train pulled into the station i was again inconsolable. i called my close friend, the one who is accidentally pregnant, and started balling into the phone about stupid co-workers and deadlines, and how angry i was. she convinced me to come over instead of heading to a friend’s birthday party by saying, perhaps i wouldn’t be the best company in my current state. so i pulled up to her house and the waterworks kept coming.

i haven’t cried like that in years. i just couldn’t stop. i was just so angry. i am so angry. angry that this didn’t work out, angry that my doctor can be a callous asshole and say things like how cute it was that i am still wearing maternity pants because i am so fucking bloated that i can’t yet fit back into regular clothes, so angry that my mom is going through the all-too-familiar road of cancer, so angry that i can’t have access to the donor list until my levels are back to zero. angry and scared to death that by the time i do have a child that one or both of my parents could be gone. just. so. angry.

i have never been one to call on fairness to get me through the day. a lot of cancer patients feel their diagnosis to be unfair, the “why me?” question a familiar one, i never really felt like that actually, i always felt like, why NOT me. things happen to all kinds of people and i got through it knowing that even though it happened to me i knew i would get through it. then when the blood clots and pulmonary embolism struck i was just scared and freaked out that it all could have ended so quickly. but again i moved past it. but this, seriously, cancer diagnosis of my mom and the loss of my hopes of a child the next, here it is… WHY ME?!! this is not fair. it’s just a step too far. i just don’t understand how this shit hit the fan again.

i ended up flying up on friday after my mom’s surgery to be with my mom during her recovery. she is doing amazingly well and is such a great lady to be around. finally on saturday night i let her see how much i was struggling. i didn’t want to focus on me, i wanted to focus on her, but after 3 days of migraines because of all the stress and tension i was trying desperately to push really far down inside, i couldn’t contain it anymore. i fell apart and she was there. just like she always is.

so after a few days of tears and migraines, and a much needed massage yesterday morning, i’m finally feeling better. i’m feeling hopeful again. still scared and still angry but better.

i have been taking a hard look at this journey and wondering how many cycles i can handle. what if this next one doesn’t work. what then? we have 6 cycles in our package, but honestly, i don’t know how many of these negative rounds i can muster. i just wonder if it’s worth it, or do we move to adoption. not that that road is easier on the heart but perhaps it is easier on the body which i am again a bit afraid of.

i’ll be up here at my mom’s until wednesday evening and then back to work and reality. until then, i think i’ll enjoy the sunshine and my mom and dad and sister. and maybe another glass of wine.

still here and looking up

October 16, 2008

yep, still here and actually i’m doing really well. all the support out here in the ether has helped tremendously and i’m feeling really hopeful for our next round and ready to start looking forward again.

the surgery was a snap. it was over so fast and i felt instantly better i have to say. like a new leaf had been turned and i could let go and move on. i’m still so sorry to have seen the bug go but i know this journey isn’t over for us quite yet. it definitely helps to know that we’re part of a shared-risk program which means we get 6 tries at this whole de ivf thing. and if after all that we aren’t successful we’ll get our money back. to be honest after understanding the pain of a failed cycle or rather successful cycle, failed pregnancy, i’m not sure i could handle 6 of those crushers. but one at a time. i’m not going to get ahead of myself again.

and in some bizarre way, although i’m sure if i’m lucky enough to get a BFP on another cycle there will be some paranoia, but also there will be peace, knowing that my body knew when things weren’t right. i can hopefully just sink into this next cycle and just let it happen as it’s going to.

so now, we wait, wait for my numbers to drop to 0. i have a follow-up appointment on monday and i’ll find out more then i guess.

my mom met with her surgeon on thursday, she has been diagnosed with ductal carcinoma which is very common and is invasive, though we don’t know if hers has spread yet. we’ll find out more next week after her lumpectomy. so fingers crossed for next week.

my mom is one of the strongest people i know and hilarious and so darn adorable and with my dad she is now on a plane on their way here. i’m so excited to see them and i’m sure i’ll feel much better once i can squeeze them in person.

thank you all again so much for your kindnesses. i will never be able to thank you for helping me keep my head above water over the last week. i couldn’t have done it without you all.

thank you

October 14, 2008

thank each and every one of you for your support and thoughts. it means more than i can really put to words.

the last few days have been filled with pretty big ups and downs. it’s been a lot to take in one short period of time, but if there’s one thing my mom and dad have instilled in me, it is the ability to look at life with all it’s troubles and still be able to laugh and be silly and know it will all turn out ok. it may not be the ‘ok’ we imagined, or wanted from the start, but it will be what is meant to be and it will always be filled with mixes of joy and sorrow.

i’ll be leaving for my d&c appointment in 20 minutes or so. and i’m feel good. for the most part anyway. i started having a lot of cramping last night and this morning it’s getting worse. in some ways i wonder if i should just wait it out. but honestly there is such comfort knowing that by the afternoon it will be over and i can start focusing on my levels reaching 0 and getting back into that donor list.

thank you all again for your words and prayers and thoughts. every single word made me know that things will work out. one way or another.

my mother is hanging in there. still waiting for wednesday’s appointment to find out more info, but with such grace and strength and silliness. i’m just so lucky to have such an amazing family.

empty

October 10, 2008

i don’t really even know how to begin this post. i just feel so dark inside. so empty and hollow.

it all started yesterday. my mom found out that she has breast cancer. they found a dark spot during a routine mammogram and biopsied it then and there. she got the news last night. we don’t know what type it is yet or what stage and will find out more next week. so yesterday was a rough one.

and today just got worse. i had an ultrasound this afternoon. i’m 7w7days today but sadly the bug didn’t make it this far with me. there was no heartbeat and he only measured at 6w5d, that’s only two days bigger than the last time i saw him 9 days ago. so… i’m just falling. i can’t seem to let the words pass my lips. i can’t let this be over. and to make it all worst i just found out my closest friend here in town is pregnant, just a few weeks behind me which would have been so amazing but now it makes it that much harder. she was with me today at my appointment and was amazing and so supportive. but i just can’t feel anything but black.

i’ve asked to be opened up to the list again as soon as possible, so i can start looking towards the future instead of dwelling here in the darkness. maybe that seems crazy to rush right back in but to be honest it’s all i can think to do.

i have a d&c scheduled for tuesday. i just couldn’t imagine walking around for the next 4 weeks waiting for my body to take care of things on it’s own. not when i have a 2 1/2 hour commute by train each day. not when i am so far from home so often.

so now what. i know we’ll try to get a cycle going as soon as we can, but this one took us 9 months to get to, so that is already hard to consider. and as for my mom, we’ll take that one step at a time too.

not the 5-day weekend i had planned. i had been so excited about this long weekend for months. and now, well, i just can’t seem to imagine how i will go back to the office on wednesday. or how i’ll ever feel ok again. summer was right, it doesn’t matter what infertility means to each of us. the pain is always the same.

just when the pink starts to get me down

October 6, 2008

i have some unabashed symptoms of pregnancy that make me feel much better about how things are going. for most these symptoms would seem like a total bummer, but not for us worriers.

last week it was sever dizziness and nausea that nearly brought me to my knees and finally put a smile on my face after days of panice. and today it is the tears that for some reason won’t stop streaming down my face. i’m a weepy mess ladies and it makes me so happy to know my hormones are whipping my tear ducts into such a frenzy that… well, i could cry!

a little pink never hurt anybody…. right?

October 6, 2008

so the week has been pretty non-eventful which i suppose accounts for my silence. thursday i got a major case of the blues. i don’t know if it was just leftover stress and anxiety from the earlier half of the week but i just couldn’t shake that down-in-the-dumps feeling all afternoon. i came really close to bursting into tears on the train home thursday night. friday was a bit better but i think it took me a while to get out of panic mode and start to feel better about things. to look forward, with hope and possibilities instead of fear and dread.

this weekend was great, i felt back at ease again. i haven’t had any morning sickness since tuesday, which is great, lucky me!, but at the same time makes me worried. because, well, geez, i need something to worry about.

then this morning i had a tiny bit of spotting again. just on the paper nothing in the toilet. no big red clots to completely freak me out again, just a little streak of pink. i know this is completely normal but still. yipe.

nancy, asked a great question the other day, “what is infertility?”, and i guess this is something i think about a lot. i didn’t have a “typical” entry into the world of IF, i didn’t go through unexplained years of not being able to get pregnant, i didn’t try month after month to get knocked up, i didn’t try rounds of clomid or other fertility drugs, hell, i didn’t even try ivf with my own eggs. because of my chemotherapy for leukemia¬† five years ago, i basically went from being happily fertile without a care in the world, to back from the brink of death and sadly infertile in a matter of months. i greived so much then for the loss of my fertility. so much so that to be honest it took me five years to even talk about it. it was just so complete. so untouchable. i really had a lot of work to do to let it go. and so for me, coming to DE IVF was a soley different experience than perhaps for most. i saw it as a shining chance. a chance to carry a child that i knew i would never have if not for modern medicine.

does that make me more or less infertile than others? when i started this blog i almost felt guilty about coming to the party so late. maybe i’m not infertile enough to find support out here. it’s true that to date i haven’t experienced the loss of a pregnancy, but loss is a familiar part of my life. and i think that is why this sign of pink on paper, or blood red in the bowl really brings me to my knees. it brings me back to the place of mourning, that time in my life when i would weep through each day at the thought of the loss of my future prodigy. the loss of my womanhood in a way. just plain loss.

i just have to keep looking ahead and know that my body is strong. it got me through those difficult years and it will get me through this.

hey there mr. bug

October 1, 2008

well he’s still there! he was measuring 6w3d’s and i’m officially 6w5d’s so that was fine by me. his wee little heart was beating away in there too. still way to quiet to hear but there he was.

it’s funny, once the sheer terror wore off and i started to really assess how i was feeling i just knew that things were going to be ok. thanks so much to all your support out there, it made such a difference over the last few days.

i know it’s still early and we have a long way to go, but what i’ve learned so far from all this is to listen to my body and let it tell me when to really panic.

yesterday the nausea kicked in big time. my train ride home kicked my arse. i felt like we were weaving and bobbing all over the place. ugh. but honestly, i have never been so excited to feel like total garbage. i figured if things were as bad as the doc had thought mourning sickness would not be rearing it’s ugly head.

again, thank you so much for your words of support. you ladies are amazing!