a not so great sunday

i woke up this morning to low cramping. as soon as i consciously recognized the feeling i sat upright totally scared out of my mind and walked hurriedly to the bathroom, hoping not to find anything except paranoia waiting for me on the other side. but i saw the bright red staring back at me almost immediately. i froze. i saw what looked to be a tiny fleshy being as well but wasn’t sure if i wasn’t making that up. i snapped out of my haze long enough to walk back to the bed, tap j into wakefulness and then i fell apart.

i had hastily decided to rearrange the living room furniture yesterday, and though i was very careful about not lifting too much, all i could think of was that i had overdone it. i had brought this on. i sent j back to the bathroom to report on my findings. i just couldn’t flush. i just couldn’t. i don’t know why. i was so frozen. did i mention today is j’s birthday. not the best wake up call one would hope for. but so it was.

i called my clinic and was told to come in before 9am.¬† i went in, trying to hold myself together and doing a pretty good job for the most part. it was just killing me to think that friday we saw our wee black dot. our bug, all nested in for the winter. we didn’t see a heart beat but at only 22dp5dt we were told not to expect to. we could see the sac and the yolk sak and all looked well. then today we go back and start the exam and there the bug is, still there, although the black dot of a sac looked a little squished. the RE says it’s most likely from the blood. but the yolk was still there, still no heartbeat, or at least not a steady one. he thought he saw one for a moment but then wasn’t sure if it wasn’t just my pulse.

so now we are left waiting until wednesday when we’ll make another trip back for a follow-up ultrasound. to see where we’re at, where the bug is at. and if we’ll have to start this crazy roller coaster all over again.

i’m not sure how i’m doing. one minute i feel confident that things will be ok. i have several friends who bled, even quite heavily and wound up with healthy babes. so i am still hopeful. hopeful, but terribly wounded and oh so scared.

it’s funny, i don’t even care about the maternity clothes, i don’t feel jinxed, i just feel worried and focused on doing what i can to keep myself calm and quiet until wednesday. which might just be a feat unto itself.

have any of you had bleeding (even with clots) and still done ok? i’m not talking going through a pad an hour kind of bleeding, i haven’t even filled one all day. but the clots really freaked me out. i have seen a little on the tissue since this morning, but nothing as heavy.

i know i’m grasping at straws right now, no two pregnancies are alike, no two experiences, i just can’t let myself believe quite yet that this is over. i still believe in my bug. i just hope he still believes in me.

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3 Responses to “a not so great sunday”

  1. Penny Says:

    Just hoping for the best for you. I have no experience with this particular issue, but have heard from plenty who have (and have had things turn out well).

    I hope time flies…but I know it probably won’t.

  2. Summer Says:

    How scary that all must have been! I’m glad you were able to get the u/s right away though and that they are going to do follow-ups to look for the heartbeat.

    I didn’t have the kind of bleeding you had. I had pink spotting for about a week, starting right after I got my positive beta. I know of many, many examples of women having red bleeding, some quite heavy that turned out to be ok.

    I did some quick calculations and it seems like you are almost but not quite 6 weeks? If that’s the case, not to see the heartbeat right now could be completely normal. By 7 weeks, the heartbeat should definitely be visible.

    Hang on as best you can. I believe in your little bug. And I believe in you.

  3. Pam Says:

    Don’t get too worried about the bleeding just yet. Your midwife can be right. My friend Patti bled from very early on until maybe 12 weeks. You can check her out at http://maybejust1more.blogspot.com/

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