the 2ww is a misnomer

yes we’ve made it past that 2ww, and with flying colors… so far. but what’s funny about the end of that milestone is the line up of other milestones that begin to take form. the next one on the list is the ultrasound on friday.

it’s funny, i keep going from guarded excitement to absolute worry and back again. i keep trying to tell myself that what will be will be and that i have to be ok with that. really there’s no other way to see it all ahead of me. i have only so much control over what this body of mine does with this little visitor. i can eat right and get exercise and try not to overdo it. but at the end of the day i have to let go of that control and just hope everything will work out.

yesterday i let my guard down a bit, which is probably why i’m feeling so worried today. i went and bought a belly band so i can keep wearing my skinny jeans even though the bloat won’t let me zip them up any longer. i walked into that damned maternity store and for half an hour i allowed myself to beleive that this is all really happening, that at the end of may, the week of my sixth anniversary beind diagnosed with cancer, i will have a baby in my arms. but as soon as i left that shop with my belly bands and a few skirts for work in hand i got nervous. why did i just buy two maternity skirts when i’m so far from any certainty that this pregnancy will continue.

i can logically say that i honestly have no fall clothes to wear to work and i needed some things and didn’t really want to buy any regular clothes for fear that they would never fit again. and geez, when i saw that there are some pieces out there that don’t even look like maternity clothese, that would fit me now and i could wear even after a baby. i caved.

and now i feel so stupid for doing so. like if things fall through i’m going to be so sorry and i’ll have these stupid skirts in my closet to remind me.

maybe i just need to get over it, move on and pretend they’re not maternity skirts. or maybe i need to let myself be excited about this. as excited as i really want to be. i want to scream with joy every time i open the bathroom cabinet and see those sticks with their gradiated plus signs.

but i’m just so scared of losing this little bug. i keep telling him/her that i really believe in him and i sure hope he believes in me. only time will tell.

until then, i’ll rock my new skirts and maybe just stop worrying. if only for a day.

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4 Responses to “the 2ww is a misnomer”

  1. Summer Says:

    I found that the scared, worried feelings become less and less as time goes on but doesn’t completely go away.

    My mantra to my little one was “please be with me as long as you can” all the while hoping that “as long as you can” will mean decades and decades.

  2. Krystn Says:

    I totally understand! I have to keep pinching myself to make sure this is not a dream!!! And I bought a belly band too.

    it’s really really real. Good Luck..take a deep breath.

  3. Penny Says:

    Found you from lost and found. My u/s is today also. I am also scared. I had to buy a pair of work maternity pants 2 weeks ago (!) because I was suffering from OHSS; even now, I have that bloat. Even though I’ve bought a ton of maternity clothing in the past (for a first pregnancy), it felt strange and almost “fake” to be in that store, buying those pants again.

    My mantra is “it’s all dependent on how the genes unfurl now, and there’s nothing you can do.” And it doesn’t help to try and hold back your hope, because if it doesn’t work out you’re still very much sad about it, I think. Why not embrace it, even if you’re flying towards a brick wall.

  4. Baby Smiling In Back Seat Says:

    Here from LFCA…

    Comfort is important. A couple of purchases aren’t going to jinx anything. I hope that the worry gets less and less, and that the excitement gets less and less guarded, and that you start really enjoying the pregnancy.

    Congrats and best wishes!

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