Archive for September, 2008

sunny side up

September 29, 2008

after all that stress and drama for some reason today was a day to clear my head.

after googling my head off all night and day and realizing more and more that some thing just didn’t seen right with the grave forecast i was given yesterday. at only 6w, day 1 why would my RE be so sure that things were turning south because there was no heartbeat. we haven’t seen one yet and it’s quite common to not see one until later in week 6 or even week 7 or 8. also, they didn’t draw blood to at least check my HCG levels.

so today i called my midwife and explained the situation, she sounded much more upbeat and seemed pretty confident that i wasn’t miscarrying, but that the bleeding might be implantation bleeding (which seems late to me) or that it is just normal uterine growth bleeding. since yesterday i haven’t had any more cramping, i really only had them yesterday a.m. and the only remnants of the bleed today is some barely there dark brown on my pad. other than that i feel really great today.

so i went to the midwife’s office and had my blood drawn there so i can compare it on wednesday. so at least we can see where that’s at and for now i am just back to calm. i am still worried of course, but i feel way more in control of myself than yesterday. i still know i can’t control what happens but my midwife allowed me to see the sunny side of the street. she thought everything sounded normal and unworrisome and that if i was to miscarry i would feel a lot more cramping and see a lot more bleeding.

so, one of the diagnosis will be correct and i’ll do my best to be ok with either, even if it will be the harder pill to swallow.

at least i can just relax a little easier knowing someone doesn’t think i’m crazy to be hopeful.

a not so great sunday

September 29, 2008

i woke up this morning to low cramping. as soon as i consciously recognized the feeling i sat upright totally scared out of my mind and walked hurriedly to the bathroom, hoping not to find anything except paranoia waiting for me on the other side. but i saw the bright red staring back at me almost immediately. i froze. i saw what looked to be a tiny fleshy being as well but wasn’t sure if i wasn’t making that up. i snapped out of my haze long enough to walk back to the bed, tap j into wakefulness and then i fell apart.

i had hastily decided to rearrange the living room furniture yesterday, and though i was very careful about not lifting too much, all i could think of was that i had overdone it. i had brought this on. i sent j back to the bathroom to report on my findings. i just couldn’t flush. i just couldn’t. i don’t know why. i was so frozen. did i mention today is j’s birthday. not the best wake up call one would hope for. but so it was.

i called my clinic and was told to come in before 9am.  i went in, trying to hold myself together and doing a pretty good job for the most part. it was just killing me to think that friday we saw our wee black dot. our bug, all nested in for the winter. we didn’t see a heart beat but at only 22dp5dt we were told not to expect to. we could see the sac and the yolk sak and all looked well. then today we go back and start the exam and there the bug is, still there, although the black dot of a sac looked a little squished. the RE says it’s most likely from the blood. but the yolk was still there, still no heartbeat, or at least not a steady one. he thought he saw one for a moment but then wasn’t sure if it wasn’t just my pulse.

so now we are left waiting until wednesday when we’ll make another trip back for a follow-up ultrasound. to see where we’re at, where the bug is at. and if we’ll have to start this crazy roller coaster all over again.

i’m not sure how i’m doing. one minute i feel confident that things will be ok. i have several friends who bled, even quite heavily and wound up with healthy babes. so i am still hopeful. hopeful, but terribly wounded and oh so scared.

it’s funny, i don’t even care about the maternity clothes, i don’t feel jinxed, i just feel worried and focused on doing what i can to keep myself calm and quiet until wednesday. which might just be a feat unto itself.

have any of you had bleeding (even with clots) and still done ok? i’m not talking going through a pad an hour kind of bleeding, i haven’t even filled one all day. but the clots really freaked me out. i have seen a little on the tissue since this morning, but nothing as heavy.

i know i’m grasping at straws right now, no two pregnancies are alike, no two experiences, i just can’t let myself believe quite yet that this is over. i still believe in my bug. i just hope he still believes in me.

the 2ww is a misnomer

September 22, 2008

yes we’ve made it past that 2ww, and with flying colors… so far. but what’s funny about the end of that milestone is the line up of other milestones that begin to take form. the next one on the list is the ultrasound on friday.

it’s funny, i keep going from guarded excitement to absolute worry and back again. i keep trying to tell myself that what will be will be and that i have to be ok with that. really there’s no other way to see it all ahead of me. i have only so much control over what this body of mine does with this little visitor. i can eat right and get exercise and try not to overdo it. but at the end of the day i have to let go of that control and just hope everything will work out.

yesterday i let my guard down a bit, which is probably why i’m feeling so worried today. i went and bought a belly band so i can keep wearing my skinny jeans even though the bloat won’t let me zip them up any longer. i walked into that damned maternity store and for half an hour i allowed myself to beleive that this is all really happening, that at the end of may, the week of my sixth anniversary beind diagnosed with cancer, i will have a baby in my arms. but as soon as i left that shop with my belly bands and a few skirts for work in hand i got nervous. why did i just buy two maternity skirts when i’m so far from any certainty that this pregnancy will continue.

i can logically say that i honestly have no fall clothes to wear to work and i needed some things and didn’t really want to buy any regular clothes for fear that they would never fit again. and geez, when i saw that there are some pieces out there that don’t even look like maternity clothese, that would fit me now and i could wear even after a baby. i caved.

and now i feel so stupid for doing so. like if things fall through i’m going to be so sorry and i’ll have these stupid skirts in my closet to remind me.

maybe i just need to get over it, move on and pretend they’re not maternity skirts. or maybe i need to let myself be excited about this. as excited as i really want to be. i want to scream with joy every time i open the bathroom cabinet and see those sticks with their gradiated plus signs.

but i’m just so scared of losing this little bug. i keep telling him/her that i really believe in him and i sure hope he believes in me. only time will tell.

until then, i’ll rock my new skirts and maybe just stop worrying. if only for a day.

beta #2

September 19, 2008

the numbers are in and this little bug is an overachiever! beta #1 was 1020 and beta #2 came in at 2500, so we get to skip beta #3 and move straight on into our first ultrasound next week! yeehaw!

my nurse told me not to expect to see a heart beat quite yet but we should at least be able to see the sac all nestled in somewhere.

this has all been so surreal. i’m still trying to keep grounded and not lose my mind with excitement. holding on so i don’t float away for now. i’ve let a few moments of shear joy eek out but i’m trying to keep it all in check. oh good lordy! i don’t even know what else i can say.

holy #&@^*!

September 18, 2008

1020!!! my beta was 1020! i’m over the moon right now, though trying to stay calm and collected.

beta #2  is on friday so fingers crossed these numbers double-on-up!

countdown to beta

September 17, 2008

sorry i’ve been so quiet, i’ve really been having a difficult time with this darn 2ww. i’m not the most patient person and this was a tricky wait. i started the 2ww telling myself and j that i would not POAS. Then just one week after transfer i started feeling what can only be described as moments of seasickness throughout the day at work. i recalled a friend telling me that while on her honeymoon she knew something was up when she was eating dinner and all of a sudden she felt like they might as well be eating on a boat. One week later she got a BFP and well there you go. Sooooo…. friday morning there i was squinting in the daybreak huddled over the sink waiting for that darn plus sign and eek through it did, oh so faintly but it was there. BFP!

then Sunday i woke up, again at daybreak, and thought, well, we might as well see if that line she is a darkening! and voila, the lines of the plus are just a bit closer in color this time.

I had a lot of cramping over the next few days but other than that not so much to report. Last night i started to freak out, maybe this is just a chemical pregnancy, maybe i won’t make it through to beta, maybe i won’t make it past beta… all the cramping stopped a day or so ago and all i could think of was that maybe i’m just getting my hopes up that this is too good to be true. that if i get too excited and let myself feel this that the floor will fall out from under me and i won’t know which way is up. after all this worry last night and this morning, i picked up some more tests on my way to work and i huddled in the bathroom stall, just to ease my worry and again that plus sign stared back, this time darker than ever.

it all comes with the territory i guess. so much work to get to this point and the thougth of starting all over looking back at that list of donors is overwhelming. also, none of the rest of our embryos made it to freeze so no chance for a FET. but each time i start to worry and get ahead of myself and where we are at,  i look back at those three sticks, all lined up inside the bathroom cabinet and see we’ve come so far. and so far so good is good enough for me. at least for tonight.

beta is tomorrow morning, 7:15. i have no idea how long i’ll have to wait for the call, but fingers crossed we’ll see something good in those numbers.

welcome aboard

September 4, 2008

we’ve got one little friend joining us for what we hope is the long haul. it was a hard decision to only transfer one, but i think i was most comfortable with that given my history of pulmonary embolism twins would make an already high-risk pregnancy even more so. so here we are, mr. blast is floating around in there hopefully feeling sticky. i’ll be in bed for the next 24 hours and i’m going to try to welcome this respite, usually it would make me a bit crazy to sit still for a full day (i’m a spaz) but me and this blast need some alone time and some peace and quiet. for now…

yipe!

September 3, 2008

tomorrow’s the day, our transfer is scheduled for 10am.

we’ve still got the six growing strong which seems crazy to be honest but i’m taking it as a good sign that this will be a success, and well, if it’s not, we’ll at least have a back up with option with a FET. Although I haven’t talked to my RE about all that yet.

i’m excited but really trying to temper that with realism and try not to get swept up in it all before we’re out of the woods. i’m also freaking out a bit about how all this feels like it took so very long to get to but is now moving forward at such a fever pitch that it’s just so much to take it. another reason to chill wouldn’t you say!?