goodbye blue sunday

for some reason the last few sundays have really been hard for me. i don’t know what it is about sunday. saturday i’m fine, out in the sun and enjoying my time off from work, but sundays seem lonely. i feel so utterly unmotivated it’s disheartening. i think about how i should clean the house, how i should work on the plethora of projects that need to be checked of the list. and then, i just sit here. sometimes i lay in bed with the pup. just blue. that’s all.

j works all weekend long so i usually get my fix of alone time. something i’ve always relished. i used to spend hours being creative. sewing, drawing, even cooking. but these days i just wander around in my head and wonder what the heck i’m doing in my pajamas at 3pm.

today i took the pup on a long walk this morning. went to a bridal shower for a dear friend. then came home and got in bed. my friend knows about the de & ivf stuff and has been super supportive. we’ve been joking that she’ll have to schedule her baby-making with our cycles. all fun and games of course, i made some joke about how she should set her sights on late june. ha ha. she said, “well, i want to make sure you’re pregnant first and then we’ll start trying”. uh…ok. so i know i set myself up for that one. but it all made me realize yeah, of course this might not work. this really might not work. this friend is in her late 30s and has no care in the world for her fertility. sure, she can just wait til we’re confirmed and then let thems eggs rip.

i know i’m overreacting. i’m moody, i’m worn out, my back aches and i have started to  grow some cruel joke of a sympathy belly. i almost look pregnant. ugh. i just want this cloud to lift and get going with all this. i hate all the waiting. makes me feel like a crazy person to be thinking about this all the time. even lonelier in a way. just me and my thoughts and the gray sky above.

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