donor a go-go

so we’re back in the saddle on the donor front. Donor A did indeed vanish into thin air never to return. So after a few uneasy days and armed with a not so lenghthy list of suitors (oh I mean donors) from which to choose we clicked the reserve button this weekend to let the games begin. So now I can migrate ever so sublty from the choose or lose phase onto the cycle-up ladies phase, otherwise known as ready-set-inject! ok, not so fast, still have all the scheduling to attend to.

i don’t really know any other DE IVFer’s personally, never talked to another woman going through or having gone through all this but i wonder if it’s a common experience to suddenly start obsessively believing that your own body will kick in before it’s too late. Starting a cycle with all the hope and excitement it brings, also brings about another familiar friend… loss. i will wake up and feel a twinge of nausea or a wee bit bloated and immediately think… maybe i’m pregnant! i will start to think about why none of the doctors i’ve been to gave me a chance to try to stimulate my own ovaries, i work myself into a frenzy of doubt, maybe they didn’t because they’d rather me spend more money at their clinic for the DE IVF, or maybe they don’t want any bad response to weaken their good percentages… then after the latest hot flash passes i remember, i remember that i have been in menopause for 5 long years now. i remember that my FSH levels are as high as they are because there is no egg popping out of my sad and tiny ovaries. i remember that we did go through all the research and findings for people and my situation and the odds are not on my side. i remember that even if there were even a handful of eggs left for us to experiment with that is only the first step in a long road to them actually being viable. it is then i look back to the donor as the most amazing opportunity for us to become parents. then that i truly appreciate the miracles of science. but it still sits there, the doubt and loss deep in my gut, that not even my husband can fully understand.

i’m excited about our first cycle. i’m also scared and lonely in my head. i want this all to work so much and i know that’s not enough to make it a positive. i worry that i won’t be a good enough mom to this potential donor egg when it finally meets becomes an embryo and lives with me for 9 months. if we are so lucky. i worry that j will have a much closer bond to the child and i will feel left out. and then i take a deep breath and just let go. this process doesn’t get any easier, so i better just take it all one step at a time. or good gravy, i might just self-combust, and well that wouldn’t be good for anyone.


One Response to “donor a go-go”

  1. asianeggdonor Says:

    I wish you the best of luck in conceiving 🙂

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