good golly, it’s a darn good thing we’ve got this de ivf thing going or i might just implode with all the pregnant friends coming out of the woodwork. i can’t believe it. seriously every day there seems to be a newly pregnant friend turning up in my email. either pregnant or newly mothered. i’m super happy for these ladies of course, but it hurts nonetheless. i really hate that i hear this kind of news and am instantly filled with anxiety and dread. guess i better get used to it. it seems i’m hitting the age when everyone and their (ok you get it) are getting pregnant and fast. if this doesn’t drive an infertile to drink, i’m not sure what will.
Archive for April, 2008
for some reason the last few sundays have really been hard for me. i don’t know what it is about sunday. saturday i’m fine, out in the sun and enjoying my time off from work, but sundays seem lonely. i feel so utterly unmotivated it’s disheartening. i think about how i should clean the house, how i should work on the plethora of projects that need to be checked of the list. and then, i just sit here. sometimes i lay in bed with the pup. just blue. that’s all.
j works all weekend long so i usually get my fix of alone time. something i’ve always relished. i used to spend hours being creative. sewing, drawing, even cooking. but these days i just wander around in my head and wonder what the heck i’m doing in my pajamas at 3pm.
today i took the pup on a long walk this morning. went to a bridal shower for a dear friend. then came home and got in bed. my friend knows about the de & ivf stuff and has been super supportive. we’ve been joking that she’ll have to schedule her baby-making with our cycles. all fun and games of course, i made some joke about how she should set her sights on late june. ha ha. she said, “well, i want to make sure you’re pregnant first and then we’ll start trying”. uh…ok. so i know i set myself up for that one. but it all made me realize yeah, of course this might not work. this really might not work. this friend is in her late 30s and has no care in the world for her fertility. sure, she can just wait til we’re confirmed and then let thems eggs rip.
i know i’m overreacting. i’m moody, i’m worn out, my back aches and i have started to grow some cruel joke of a sympathy belly. i almost look pregnant. ugh. i just want this cloud to lift and get going with all this. i hate all the waiting. makes me feel like a crazy person to be thinking about this all the time. even lonelier in a way. just me and my thoughts and the gray sky above.
so we finally heard from our nurse and seems all things are beginning to line up out in front of us. still not sure when i’ll start bcp, because of my history with blood clots, (oh did i not yet mention that blip in my medical history… quick recap, let’s see… two summers ago on the very weekend of the anniversary i was diagnosed with leukemia, and after some funny business in the right leg making me a bit nervous, i went in for an ultrasound and found out i had the mother of all blood clots filling my entire vein from knee to groin. nice! went to hospital immediately where they did a routine chest x-ray to make sure i didn’t have pulmonary embolism i.e. blood clots in my lungs, which they were sure i didn’t have because i felt fine in the ol’ wind pipes don’t you see, and much to everyone’s surprise, most especially moi, i had two big ol’ emboli staring back at me from my scan…. ) sooo, yeah, we’ll wait until the last possible moment to start those friendly bcp ‘s which were what was deemed to be the reason all my blood ran (or didn’t run so well) amok. this bit of history also means that as soon as i begin any of my hormone injections i’ll be adding on a daily injection of lovanox to keep my veins all drippy and thin. ye olde blood thinner. at least it’s sub cutaneous.
geez, so that was one big sidetrack, what i popped in to say today was actually that yay, we’re on our way. hopefully i’ll be starting the pills next week some time and we’re looking at a transfer date (if all goes as planned) for sometime at the end of march! craziness!
and to celebrate i plan on eating as much soft cheese and wine as i can. ahem. well, just in case we’re lucky enough for this cycle to work. i have to keep reminding myself to not get too far ahead of myself. i don’t want to be devastated if the betas come back thumbs down. i need to be realistic though, i will be devastated i’m sure but i can look forward to more cycles i guess. we’re doing a shared risk plan so we get 6 fresh cycles and if all those fail, our money back to look into other options.
sooo… i will take julie’s advice and just try to take this whole darn thing one needle-filled day at a time.
it’s possible i’m the most impatient person on this here planet. we made our donor pick final last saturday and the match was complete by monday and yet i’ve heard nothing all week from the scheduling nurse and still have no idea when we’ll get this boat a sailin’. we went the shared donor route so there’s a lot more to get on target before we can all begin, but geez, i’m so ready for this first cycle to begin. out damned eggs, out i say!
so we’re back in the saddle on the donor front. Donor A did indeed vanish into thin air never to return. So after a few uneasy days and armed with a not so lenghthy list of suitors (oh I mean donors) from which to choose we clicked the reserve button this weekend to let the games begin. So now I can migrate ever so sublty from the choose or lose phase onto the cycle-up ladies phase, otherwise known as ready-set-inject! ok, not so fast, still have all the scheduling to attend to.
i don’t really know any other DE IVFer’s personally, never talked to another woman going through or having gone through all this but i wonder if it’s a common experience to suddenly start obsessively believing that your own body will kick in before it’s too late. Starting a cycle with all the hope and excitement it brings, also brings about another familiar friend… loss. i will wake up and feel a twinge of nausea or a wee bit bloated and immediately think… maybe i’m pregnant! i will start to think about why none of the doctors i’ve been to gave me a chance to try to stimulate my own ovaries, i work myself into a frenzy of doubt, maybe they didn’t because they’d rather me spend more money at their clinic for the DE IVF, or maybe they don’t want any bad response to weaken their good percentages… then after the latest hot flash passes i remember, i remember that i have been in menopause for 5 long years now. i remember that my FSH levels are as high as they are because there is no egg popping out of my sad and tiny ovaries. i remember that we did go through all the research and findings for people and my situation and the odds are not on my side. i remember that even if there were even a handful of eggs left for us to experiment with that is only the first step in a long road to them actually being viable. it is then i look back to the donor as the most amazing opportunity for us to become parents. then that i truly appreciate the miracles of science. but it still sits there, the doubt and loss deep in my gut, that not even my husband can fully understand.
i’m excited about our first cycle. i’m also scared and lonely in my head. i want this all to work so much and i know that’s not enough to make it a positive. i worry that i won’t be a good enough mom to this potential donor egg when it finally meets becomes an embryo and lives with me for 9 months. if we are so lucky. i worry that j will have a much closer bond to the child and i will feel left out. and then i take a deep breath and just let go. this process doesn’t get any easier, so i better just take it all one step at a time. or good gravy, i might just self-combust, and well that wouldn’t be good for anyone.
so the deadline for our MIA donor has passed and so… It’s time to celebrate! Ok, maybe not but what the hell. Last night after an extra long day at work j suggested we meet for some dinner and drinks and then… (And this is why I love this man) donn some 3-d glasses for Hitchcock’s Dial M for Murder. Yes!
The way I see it, nothing warms the heart quite like a theatre packed with white-paper-glasses clad crazies laughing and cheering (and jeering) at all the twists and turns of this classic film. And a glass of really nice wine and delicious food don’t hurt either.
So now I’m back on the train, that’s literally and figuratively folks, and I’m feeling really good about logging back into the donor listings. I figure the road ahead is sure to have
more turns I don’t anticipate so I might as well just let it ride. It may not all be “for a reason” but it is the way it is. And if I at last get to rock my 3-d glasses once in a while i think I’ll make it through… Well at least I’ll look good. Right. Right! Eh-hem. I thought so.
i’ve tossed around the idea of starting a blog to document this strange journey we find ourselves on for quite some time, so many pros and cons i guess, but today after some disheartening news i think i just need a little camaraderie from other girls-in-the-know.
so first some history, i was diagnosed in 2003 with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia and had many rounds of chemo and an autogolous bone marrow transplant (meaning i actually transplanted myself due to the wonders of technology) and now close to five years later we’re trying to make a baby with the help of some dear stranger and her magic eggs.
honestly when i was diagnosed with cancer i was more upset about finding out i’d most likely be infertile than i was about being sick. it’s just easier to understand the magnitude of infertility than it is to imagine what cancer will feel like. sure i was scared and worried and ok, seriously flipping out that i had leukemia, but i just couldn’t get past the fertility thing. because my cancer was of the abtly named “acute” variety i had to start chemo just 12 hours after my diagnosis, this obviously left no time for noodling about storing eggs and ovarian tissue, etc. so after my first round of chemo and having two weeks off from treatment we went to a fertility specialist to see what we could do. the answer… sadly, was not much. because of my weakened immune system and my upcoming secondary round of chemo and looming bone-marrow tranplant, the doc said it was simply too dangerous to do anything. i was crushed. i just fell apart. and so i tried my best to push it out of my head. i had to get through all the treatment after all, i had to survive this disease which took the lives of all except a lucky 19% of those in affected. so i moved forward.
and survive i did. and five years later we’ve opened back up this still raw topic. i’m not sure it ever goes away, the pain of loss that comes from infertility, no matter how or why it happens to you. and as we move closer to DE IVF that loss lessens in some ways and grows in others. the reality of having a baby of our own that i am able to carry and birth and nurse warms my heart, i never thought that would be possible, but accepting that there really is no possibility that by some act of random magic that my ovaries will one day kick back into gear and we can get pregnant all by ourselves, well, that’s a harder thing to let go of.
so today, after weeks of wading through pre-screening at our clinic and searching through their donor lists and finding a match who felt so right and good, we found out today that the clinic can’t seem to reach her. she’s gone essentially AWOL. and now, we might have to start all over again.
my friends, who are dear and loving and just not having any idea what this all feels like, say, “well, maybe it’s for the best”, “there’s always a reason when things like this happen”, “if this is how she is you don’t want her eggs anyhow” and though i know they’re just trying to make me feel better, it just makes it all feel worse.
infertility is just so damn lonely.