just when you think you’re ok

last night has thrown me for a loop. i got home from work (which was a really quiet day, only one meeting!) i had felt pretty pooped all day and as soon as i walked in a decided to take a nap. i slept on the couch for about an hour and when DH came home i went upstairs to the bed to continue my lazing about before getting up to meet a friend at 8pm. and that’s when it started. around 7pm all of a sudden my entire abdomen clenched. it scared the shit out of me. was this a contraction? braxton hicks? i’ve never felt anything like it and it totally freaked me out. DH brought me up glass after glass of water which i’ve read is the first thing you should do if you feel like you’re having contractions as dehydration can cause them. I had no pain just complete tightness. i called my doc around 7:15 who said, keep drinking and lying down and call back in an hour if it didn’t stop.

it. didn’t. stop. DH drove me to labor and delivery at 8:15 and they checked me out. luckily my cervix is completely closed so they don’t think it was anything more than my body growing and stretching and well, perhaps contracting but after a few hours they sent me back home with the remark, “this just might be your normal, we’ll have to wait and see.” apparently it’s quite common for people to have contractions throughout with no sign or pre-term labor. of course i have to keep as restful as i can for the next few days and look out for other more worrisome signs. but all is (i guess) well again.

i can’t say i feel too relieved by their words. the clenching came and went throughout my visit to the hospital but finally subsided late last night. the entire episode scared the crap out of me. it made me realize how tenuous this all still is. and having two nurses say, well you know if you were to have them now they are not old enough to survive (um, I KNOW! which is why i’m freaking out!) didn’t help much.

i have come so far. 17 weeks tomorrow! and yet i’m so very far away from the coveted 29th week of viability. i’m holding out for 36 weeks when more than likely everything with these two beings inside me will be ok. these little wigglers who with every twitch and wiggle have buried into my heart.

i just want this so much it scares me to know it could all still fall apart. i already knew this was true but i’ve been feeling so amazing that i didn’t really let those thoughts seep too far past the surface.

it’s back to working from home for a few days. and a quiet (with no painting!) weekend on the sofa. maybe a slow swim. damn it. i just have to believe in this even though it’s so scary to do so. i have to believe in these two beating hearts. i have to believe in my body. that’s just all i can do.

still here just…. well, quiet

oh ladies, i’m sorry i’ve dropped off the planet! after two weeks of craziness at work i’ve been lying particularly low. i spent the rest of last wednesday lying in bed making some calls for work and managing my email load. thursday i decided to work from home and stay off my feet all day. it helped so much and i still managed to deal with all that needed to be dealt with. it was good. and the weekend was really productive and also relaxing in a different way. i painted the room that will one day be a nursery. that’s even weird to think about. i put down some carpet tiles as well and did a much needed cleaning out of my closet. okay maybe that doesn’t sound relaxing to some people, but to me, working on the house gives me some low-impact exercise and allows my mind to wander and work through all sorts of things that i never seem to have the time to think about.

and just so you think i just overdid it again, i took lots of naps too, and slow calm walks with the pup. oh and i drank lots of milkshakes! got to keep packing on the nutrients to give these wiggler’s a better chance of staying happy inside me for a good long while.

so yeah, it’s been a relatively quiet couple of days and honestly i’m not sure i’m quite ready to come out of this hibernation, but i wanted to thank you for the words of encouragement and gentle smacks for my bad behavior last week. you’re just the best.

i’ll be back soon and promise to check back in with you all. sorry for the lack of comments. i have been reading… just, you know, quiet. i could get used to this.

hey up there…. listen up!

yeah that’s pretty much what my body started yelling this morning as i made my way into the shower after yet another ridiculously long day at work. the last few weeks have delivered the ultimate arse-kicking to this here lady. we’ve been launching a big project which i’ve been working on for two years and this was the big opening week. holy moly. add an extra 30 hours on top of my regular 40 and you get a body that is about to fall apart.

last night was the big event and i had finally started to relax but of course something went awry and instead i spent the hours of 7-midnight freaking out and making calls and getting everything fixed. and well, yeah i think those four hours were the straw that broke this poor camel’s back. i woke up this morning like a zombie. slid into one of the dresses that still fits me and slothed my way into work in order to lead tours of our big donors. and i just couldn’t do it.

i literally lasted about two hours in the office. luckily my lovely friend took my tours and i dragged myself back to the train for my commute back home. i fell asleep almost instantly on the train.

i’ve decided to give my body and the wiggler’s a break and work from home tomorrow and friday i luckily have off. if it weren’t for them i’m sure i’d just keep going but the thought of pushing myself even further than i already have and having something happen would be something i’m not sure i could ever forgive myself for.

the wiggler’s must have known i needed a swift kick in the pants in order to see the big picture in all this. so that’s just what they gave me. yup, i felt them. i’m not sure if i’ve felt both or just one of them but for the last three nights i’ve gotten some kooky fluttering vibrations on the top and side of my expanding midsection… then today, as i was climbing this silly high stone stairway at work i felt my first kick. it was a tiny one, but made me laugh out loud. and with that, i bid my adieu and packed up my things and away we went. all three of us.

so maybe i went home, and maybe i still checked my email like every five minutes, and maybe i still participated in two conference calls in the afternoon… but ladies, at least i was lying down, right! i mean that’s got to count for something.

tomorrow i’m going to try and step back even further. i’m taking a cue from dear kate and be still and maybe even quiet for once. it sounds pretty good to me.

slowly out from under the covers

headache abated. a mere 70+ hours later. after 11 hours at work on monday i headed straight to the gym to float for a good 45 minutes. i think it helped. tuesday morning i woke with some light weirdness but luckily as the day went on everything melted away. today is the first day i’ve felt 100%. geez, that was a long road ladies.

thanks for your tips. i absoutely need to get another acupuncture appointment on the books. my regular lady was out of town during the migraine sadly, which added to the pool being closed made me tear up more than a few times. thankfully DH has some kick-ass deep tissue massage techniques. i think my neck is still a bit sore from all the rubbin’ but it’s well worth the pain-free existence.

this week on the whole is kicking my ass. work is insane at the moment. all should be well by friday but the next two days are going to be rough. i need to find somewhere to nap during the day.

under knives

i have a headache. not the mild lingering and annoying headaches i’ve been getting pretty regularly for the last two weeks each afternoon. a real killer. a migraine. this is my second migraine since i got knocked up but the last one never got out of the starting blocks really. i ended up letting her loose in the pool after a good long float on a noodle one sunday afternoon. but today. this is different. she’s been kicking around inside my right eye for close to 30 hours now. and she shows no sign of tiring. i, however, am ready to call it quits.

i’m not sure if any of you ever get these damn headaches. i’m lucky enough to not get all the bells and whistles that can sometimes accompany her visits… the aura, the vomiting (well not always). but writhing in pain wondering if it wouldn’t be so bad as it sounds to literally smash a hammer into the side of my temple just to ease the pressure a bit, that though becomes more and more appealing as the hours tick away.

i tried all my usual tricks sans medication, which of course i can’t take now that the wiggler’s are on board. i tried the cold compress, the deep tissue neck massage a la DH, the dark room with a cold washcloth over my eyes since 9:30 last night. nothing. i tried to get up and have a really long stretch. nothing. i tried crying. belive it or not, crying (though it makes the headache worse intially) can sometimes let go of an enormous amount of tension. this time nothing. DH says maybe i just didn’t cry hard enough. but honestly i’m too tired to cry. i’m not sure i have anything to cry about. and mostly i was crying because the pain is so bad i can’t honestly figure out how i’m going to make it out from under these knives.

i thought, at least if i can make it through the night (thank you tylen.ol p.m.) i can go to the gym first thing and lay in the pool try to relax all the muscles in my back and neck. but guess what, it’s easter. EASTER. and the gym she is not open. damn it. so now what. i’m sitting in the dark window-shuttered living room hoping for an easter miracle. i think i’ll be waiting for a very long time.

gag order

i might need to come up with a better name for the wigglers as their space is becoming a bit tighter they aren’t wiggling as much as they once were. yup, we got to see them again today. my 2nd OB appointment and it was great. the flippers? the thumbsuckers? i’m not sure what quite fits so maybe i’m just not creative enough at this juncture to even come up with anything new. i guess i could call them gag inducers but that’s not as fun and too long to type. yes, you read that right. i’m not sure what to say about the ol’ gag reflex but lordy do i know how to hand out the impromptu dry heave morning, noon and night.

yesterday it happened as i was eating my cereal before work. a tiny hair hit the tip of my tongue and good golly i was lucky i had just swallowed. or last night before bed while in the throws of a traditional tooth brushing just one mild swipe too close to the molars and holy crap thank god i’m standing over a sink.

really all i’m trying to say is that the little ones below are making me a real attractive lady. aw snap. i’m not sure if it’s the copius amounts of saliva i’m always savoring, or the expanding mid-section, or perhaps it’s just my constant burping. at 13w6d’s, i am officially driving the boys wild.

missing

yeah, i’ve kind of disappeared. sorry about that. work is crazy at the moment and any minute i’m not spending running around the office like a mad woman i’m spending on the couch in a daze.

i have another OB appointment this thursday so we’ll get to see the wigglers again. until then we’ve been busy working on the house. nothing like the sun to kick start renovations. we re-structured the garden (again, yeah , we seem to do this every year) and DH started work on a part of the roof that needs some help. next up the upstairs hallway and dare i say, guest room/nursery redux. i’m not quite ready to even venture into that room and begin thinking plans to be honest. i have one crib that we bought a while ago in storage at my mother’s house and very nicely out of sight. but i’m not over any paranoia of what can still go wrong. what does and has gone wrong for far too many people and i’m not one to look past the minority side of stats. i’ve been on the wrong side a few too many times to believe these things can’t happen to me.

i’m not actually feeling actively anxious or worried, but i understand the risks of letting myself go full throttle. allowing my irl friend and mother of identical twins lend me a few multiples books is as far as i’ve gone in terms of bringing stuff into the house.

ah so. we now find ourselves 13w3d which is totally mindblowing. the belly she is a growing. i’m actually not sure how much longer i’ll be able to keep this on the downlow, especially at work. last week i wore a jean skirt and a little vintage button down shirt that barely fits me but whatever and i really thought this outfit is the best, no on can tell in this. bubble broken when the first person i saw that morning (a friend who knows i’m knocked up) exclaimed, “oh you look so adorably pregnant in that outfit”. i was flabbergasted. damn. i guess the hiding will only go for so long. i’d just like to make it past 14 weeks before i have to tell my boss.

when did you tell work you were expecting? evey time i feel close to being comfortable telling, i reset my dates and think, perhaps if i wait until after our next appt. or our next ultrasound…. it’s just that once you tell, it’s not something you can untell and if the shit hits the fan, well. you’re outed.