who’d like to slap me first?

last night was a doozy. the nausea came back full force late in the evening and then i spent most of the night on a heating pad with terrible back pain and awful AF-like cramps. nice! The turn of events gave me both confidence and anxiety.

then today we saw them again up there on the screen happy as they ever were, hearts beating away. beating in sync actually. They both measureing heart rates of exactly 159.20. Our doc said she’d never quite seen that before. A few beats off yes, but exact! crazy.

so yeah, i know. i’m a doomsday worrywort. I can blame the hormones or the past or melodrama. but mostly i just want to look forward to leaving for our trip and knowing all is well so far with our little ones on board.

i’ll be far from the computer for the next 12 days. hope everyone has a lovely end to february. cheers!

not so sure

i felt pretty normal for the most part today too. unsettling. by the end of my crazy last day in the office before our trip i had spent nearly 10 hours running back and forth and making calls to make sure all is covered while i’m away. and on the train ride home, i started blubbering. i’ve just been so convinced the shit is hitting the fan. i want to be really positive but i was having a really hard time the last two days. which is funny because from tuesday last week through monday this week i had so much confidence in this pregnancy you wouldn’t have recognized me. i had no worries going into my last ultrasound. i knew everything was ok. i knew there would still be two little ones in there and i knew their hearts would be beating.

now, i’m not so sure what’s going on but i’m hoping it’s just all part of the cycle. i feel awful tonight but not awful like i’d felt all last week when my confidence was booming. the familiar nausea has been replaced with an overall yucky stomach and a lump in the back of my throat. add to that some light period like cramping and back pain and this girl is not sure which way is up.

i’ve been worrying all day and frankly, i’m tired of me and my worrying. so tonight i had a good cry on the way home from work. i had some dinner. i’m doing laundry and packing and starting to just feel calm again.

i hope in my heart that tomorrow morning will bring nothing but reassurance. and if not, well, i will be a mess. but at least i will be a mess in spain and not in my office. see that girls… that’s looking on the bright side!

i’ll try to check in tomorrow and leave word of my status before we hit the airport.

thanks again for all your support. i would be a puddle on the floor without you all out there helping to hold me up. thank you thank you thank you.

Night into day

Last night was odd. Just as I turned off the tv to hit the hay a commercial for a dis.covery h.ealth program popped up advertising a woman, pregnant with quads who must choose either to reduce to three to save three or risk losing them all. DH and I chatted about it briefly and then off to sleep I went.

Sleep she did come but my dreams were wracked with visions of one of our little growers perhaps not sticking around. I tossed and turned all night consistently coming back to some variation of the same scenario. A scenario that ended with us losing one of these babes.

I woke up and shrugged it off but I haven’t shaken the thought completely all day. Last time around I awoke from sleep one morning knowing bug was gone. I shook it off but ended up being right in the end. This wasn’t exactly the same. I didn’t wake with that knowing feeling. I just woke with patches of dream embedded in my psyche.

So today I went through my day just as any other but I couldn’t help but notice that my nausea had again subsided. Yes I know the waves come and go. But so too has the exhaustion eased.

I don’t have a gloomy feeling all around, but there is a quiet fear at the back of my throat. I hve another scan on Thursday morning, (mere hours before we board the plane), and I just hope this much needed vacation doesn’t start off with sadness.

Please just let this be a wave. Please let these two little growers still be happily growing away inside me. Please oh please just give us a chance.

7w0d Ultrasound #2

we have two heartbeats! holy moly, this is getting a bit more real i’d say. Sorry about the crappy image, cell phone photo… what can i say.

one is measuring at 7w0d which is exactly where we are and the other is a few days behind at 6w5d. but all looks good so far.

holy moly. this is just so crazy! i’m gonna keep trying to take this all one day at a time, we still have a very long road ahead of us. but i’d be lying if i were to say i wasn’t excited. two little beating hearts. oh my.

back from the land of crazy

hello ladies. i think i may finally be back. i haven’t cried in over 24 hours! yay! thanks so much for all your support as i blubbered my way through week 6. for some reason (even though it has decided to snow today in the mid-atlantic region) i can finally see a bit of light outside my window.

maybe it was leaving early yesterday from the office to go for a long swim and float in the pool. or maybe it was dinner with friends and going to bed early after all that (light) exercise. whatever it was… i’m just going with it and starting to feel whole again. and excited. and hopeful. oh and ready for my trip to spain! now where did i leave my sunglasses?

where in the world is my modern day vomitorium

the end of the week gave me such confidence. i spent the entirety of thursday trying not to vomit on my co-workers. i walked around the office with a plastic bag in my pocket (just in case) and spent every waking minute stuffing my face with vitamin c drops to keep the nausea from mounting. friday was better, only half as bad as the day before. saturday only a blip of sick waving past me from time to time. then sunday, no nausea at all. not once. instead my weak stomach was replaced with a terrible blue. i cried almost every hour. wow, i’m super fun to hang out with.

today i spent nearly all day waiting in my hematologists office for him to see me. it seems over the last week i’ve developed this sweet bump in my spine just below my neck and another doc said it might be a hematoma under my spine, perhaps being caused by a bleed into my spine. nice! luckily hema doc says no way, looks like it might be all, hmm, what d’ya call it… oh yeah, stress related. ha! who would’ve thunk it.

luckily i had already booked an acupuncture session for today. after hysterically blubbering again and many needle sticks i can say i rounded out the day happily exhausted at the grocery store chugging sparkling water. ok.

i guess all this rambling post is meant to tell you all is that i’ve hit a bit of a rough patch. i’m spending my days worrying. worrying nonstop, worrying about losing these babies, having these babies, carrying these babies and dying by either a blood clot or cancer (yeah this one is really a fun one), and oh yeah, dying on our flight to spain next week.

so yeah. things are super awesome here. i’m getting really sick of myself. so hopefully today i’ve started putting this nutso underworld in my head to rest. at least for the evening. i loaded up on lots of veggies and yumminess at the store and i’m on my way to a warm bath and then bed.

thank you so much for all your support over the last week. i really appreciate this community so much. it’s truly the only place to come where i know i won’t feel alone.  i hope you can bear with me through these downer posts. i’m trying to get back into the niceties of this journey for which i am so grateful. it might not seem like it i know. but it’s there. i just got to remember how to hold it closer to the light.

what i didn’t expect

it’s weird. i came out of that appointment feeling so excited and hopeful and now i feel so blue. so worried. so convinced this all won’t last. i’m not sure if it’s just the knowing that last time we had a great first ultrasound too. that last time two days after that ultrasound i started to bleed and by the next week (when i next ultrasound will be) everything was over. i’m scared to death of a repeat and i can’t shake it.

i know this is a tough road and i know there are many folks out there who have been on it much longer than we have, who have many more losses and who haven’t had as much hopeful news as we’ve had so far. so why can’t i just relax and be happy. instead i’m sitting in front of my computer not getting much work done and trying not to fall apart.

well…

my nerves started to get the best of me this morning. sitting in that waiting room was torture. i just stared at the clock, minute after minute waiting for them to call me, why aren’t they calling me! they were 15 minutes late to call me back… finally.

finally up in the stirrups, finally the doctor came in and with a quick flicker of the screen we saw them. yup, i said them. there were two little sacs sitting inside my uterus.

now before we get ahead of ourselves i should tell you that one sac was measuring a bit smaller than the other so my Doc said that we may see only one the next time around. But for now, the little things are still with me. I sort of sensed they were both still here, although in the last two days i’ve gotten a bit more energy back, i wonder if this is because one of them is slowly slipping away.

for now i am happy, for now we’ve got hope. and for now… i’ll take it. next reality check feb. 23rd.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning is coming fast and with it our ultrasound. I’m equal parts nervous and excited. I just want this to still be okay. And yet I’m quite calm… So far. We’ll see how calm i am when my feet hit the stirrups.

Wish us luck.

so totally tired

i’m sitting at my desk barely staying awake and starving after already eating three meals so far today. if i happen to fall asleep will you nudge me as you leave for the night. thanks.