How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the 2ww

ok love might be pushing it but my obsessive shenanigans have gone on long enough. i think i’ve reached maximum capacity on worrying. i’m just done with it. i had the most horrible cramps last night, so bad that i had to take some tylenol and use a heating pad just to get comfortable. they weren’t like AF this time, more like the previous ones. then this morning i had the tiniest amount of brown on the tissue. it wasn’t much but it was there. and geez another random useless symptom is all i need right now. so after a few moments of freak out i just got to the point where there’s just nothing more i can do. all i can do is stop worrying and learn to love the 2ww. or go incrementally more insane with each passing stroke of the clock. i choose numero uno.

i’m just over it. and honestly i’d rather be napping.

mood swings?

um.. yeah. so i know i really laid out some depressing smack down below but after a really nice quiet dinner with dh i realized i can’t think anything is over until it is. even though all this cramping has me freaked out because i know how different it feels then earlier cramping i still really know nothing.

so… hope, it’s in there.

ups and downs

this wait so far has been, per usual, really frustrating. there are moments when i’m sure this cycle will be a success, like how i felt after four days of what i could only imagine was implantation cramping. then comes the lows where i’m convinced we’re headed back to the drawing bored next week, like today when the cramps feel more like AF coming on for a visit.

i know you can’t put any hope nor hindrance in symptoms like this due to all the drugs we happily inject into our bodies during these cycles but it’s hard not to notice it all.

i’m terribly impatient and i did poas twice. i know, it was a mistake. even though i saw two pink lines on my tests it gave me little to no comfort. it’s so early. early enough that this can easily turn into a dreaded chemical pregnancy.  yeah, today is a day when i can find little hope. i’m not sure where that feeling is coming from but i’m trying to distract myself before it brings me down.

right now it’s this familiar lower back pain and dull cramping that make me feel like hope is lost. AF. she is too familiar to disregard i think. and even though i shouldn’t see her because of all the meds the feel of me has me scared. i felt her the day i started bleeding 6 weeks into our first pregnancy. we never quite recovered.

so now i’ll curse those damn sticks and stear clear until beta day. i have no more in the house so it would be a lot of desperation that sends me to the store again.

beta is now monday. until then, i’ll just try not to go nuts inside this head of mine.

i gotta tell ya….

i suck at patience. truly blow the big one. i am spending nearly every minute of my waking hours scouring my dear internets for signs that yes this cycle has worked. POAS at 2dp6dt? sure why not! ok, i haven’t gone that far yet but i am on the edge of my seat with this round.

last round for some reason i just knew it had worked. i can’t now remember when i “knew”, this round i don’t feel much of anything so far… sure, sure, the ladies are sore, but they were sore before transfer. i did just start getting some cramping which always makes me thinking somethings trying to happen at least… but really all i want to do is to just know. to know this has worked, to know we’re on our way towards parenthood, to know that i will be mostly puking my guts out on our trip to france next month.

damn my impatience. i gotta get some new hobbies. i’m sure if i stepped back from the computer for just 5 seconds i could find some sewing or knitting to drown myself in…

ahhh. instead, i’m sure i’ll keep watching terrible tv and laying on my dog. somebody slap me!

freezer pop!

we actually had one embryo make it to freeze! our clinic are super tight wads about freezing. they are so damn strict in what they’ll hold onto so we never thought that this would happen, but we’re so thankful it has.

i’m holding on so far… yeah 1dp6dt and i’m already hounding dr. google for earliest dates to POAS. i’m terrible.

gotta pass the time somehow eh?

on board

round #2 transfer finally came today and now we have two little ones on board. hopefully they’re feeling sticky and cozy. ahhh… and now that i have had some practice with patience, let’s see how the next few weeks go. my beta will be feb. 3rd. yipe.

what in the….

we got bumped again. looks like we’re moving to a day6 transfer. yes, yes, i’m excited all these embryos are kicking ass in their growth but i am also so ready to get to transfer. i spent so much time “preparing” this morning, really getting myself ready for the coming visitor(s)… oh well.

i am just so grateful they are doing well and i’m looking forward to tomorrow…. with perhaps, just a hint of hesitation.

a-ok and ready for some action

these little growers seem to be a bunch of overachievers at the moment… as of this afternoon we had 5 embryos compacting and rated A+ and 2 still in the morula phase rating strong A’s. not too shabby for these little 4-day-olds.

so we’re ready for tomorrow, we’ll be up bright and early and i’m sure stuck in traffic getting into DC. that part i’m not so excited about, here’s to hoping the inauguration crowds head out early and leave the beltway somewhat clear for a wednesday morning.

so… i’m off to bed, perhaps a bit of deep breathing before hand to prepare myself for tomorrow. and then on to the 2ww. i have to say at least for now it does feel so good to be back in the saddle and so close again… but i know how far we really are and i just have to hold onto the hope that we will make it all the way. fingers crossed… perpetually.

the hormones they be a-flowin’

you know you’re a bit over hormonal when a t. m.obile add makes you weep with sentiment.

goodbye day 3, hello day 5 (updated)

just as we were about to leave the house this morning we got the call. we have been moved to a day 5 transfer. oh la la. this cycle is all over the place. on one hand i’m disappointed, i was so ready for today, on the other hand i’m excited because that means our little friends at the lab are growing swimmingly. geez louise.

the nurse explained that as of today we have:

3 – 8 cell
1 – 6 cell
2 – 5 cell
1 – 4 cell

so i guess given those growth rates they couldn’t quite decide which one(s) would be the best to transfer, hence waiting a few days to see what happens.

just another lesson of patience i guess. now where did i put my pajamas…

Update: While we’re talking transfer, i’m torn between transferring 1 or 2. I suppose our decision will depend on how they look on wednesday morning and the embryologist’s recommendation, but what about you? how did you decide how many to put back?