good lordy this protocol is doing me in and i haven’t even started my IM’s yet. right now i’m on an antibiotic, vitamin, lupron and lovanox and i’m basically ready for naps about four time’s a day.
my boobs are swollen and sore, my head’s been aching each afternoon and i just keep falling asleep.
but deep down the excitement over getting this all started makes it all worth it.
oh you ladies! thank you so much for making me not feel like too much of a panic-laden freak and more like the same old freak of yore. thanks bunches.
so my nurse sweetly explained she thinks it’s all just breakthrough bleeding, happens all the time and just keep doing what i’m doing. i started lupron this morning. yay! that’s one more daily injection, two added, two more to go! i say that like i enjoy them. see…. freak.
on my way to work i noticed a hive-like bump at the injection site and again my blood pressure rose. i started to think i couldn’t breathe right and went straight for dr. google to calm me down. here’s a tip, if you’re wondering if it’s normal to have a bump where you just gave yourself a shot of lupron, don’t google “lupron allergic reaction”, that brings up some super scary links with info like, “hives… call your doctor immediately!”, “run, don’t walk, you are dying!!” ok, i might have made that last one up, but seriously i nearly had a panic attack in my car. and then i stepped back and tried again, this time with calm, inquiring language like, “bump injection site lupron”. to which i’m told by hundreds of little blue underlined sentances… “totally f’in normal you ninny!”
so there you have it, sometimes googling from the calm relaxed place you WISH your mind would always take you too when panic arises is all you need to stave off passing out on an overpass next to your commuter train. who knew.
okay i need some help! i started taking BCP for our upcoming cycle, we’re doing a shared cycle so we all go on at the same time so that we’re all ready about the same time. here’s the rub… i haven’t had a cycle in years so i wasn’t sure how this was going to go. i started the pills a few weeks ago and have a week left in my pack before i hit the sugar pills. so today when i found myself weepy and exhausted i figured i was just reacting to the hormones after 2 years without any and well, just plain tired, and then i popped into the loo for a quick pit stop before running some errands and there she was. ye olde friend from my fertile years past. WTF!
so what do i do? does this have any impact on my cycle? i’m trying to tell myself that since i don’t really have a cycle then it shouldn’t be a big deal but i’m starting to freak out. will this impact my cycle in any way??!! HELP!
we got our dates late last week (yay!) and my do things take longer than i’d imagined to get up and running. i’ll start bcp on july 25th as well as lovanox and then all the other fun will fall into place. at the end of two months of needles galore we’ll have our transfer on either sept 3rd or 5th. the craziest thing about the transfer dates is that it would put my due date (if we’re lucky enough to make it that far) May 29th. Which coincidentally is my cancerversary. which to me is nuts. i can’t think of a better present on my six year anniversary of living past all that sick. so here we go. i’m freaked out for sure but super excited and so ready to begin. does it usually take 6 plus months to make it this far? don’t answer that, i might just jinx myself.
geez. that was a long time underwater. that’s what it seemed like to me. but here i am past another hurdle. i’m sorry to have disappeared for geez, well, like forever, but after losing donor #3 and #4 i felt like i needed to keep to myself for a while until i had something more to say than, “lost another one”. i mean who would have thunk it would take five separate donors to actually get to the schedule dates phase. we haven’t even begun the cycle yet. five donors, six months, and hundreds of rolled eyes and disappointed glances. but we’re back!
so now where are we, well i got the word today that we’ll start BCP in two weeks and then go from there. i’ve never been so excited to have someone start jabbing me with needles. yehaw! it’s taken so long to get to this stage for us and i hope to hell i’m not coming out of the woodwork too soon. don’t want to jinx myself but i just feel so flipping excited that we’ve made it one more step closer.
ahh. so there you have it. i’m back. and hopefully for a full cycle. yipe! let the games begin!
you’re really not going to believe this. i know i thought it was a joke at first, but sadly it’s the truth.
donor #2 has also gone MIA. not the same cruel MIA of #1, this time due to some medical issue, she has had to pull out of our cycle.
so it was a bizarre week indeed. but i guess it’s getting me to use a skill i am usually quite good at avoiding, patience. so when i got the email from the nurse telling me to start all over again. well. i just laughed. asked for a new password and got back to searching.
we’ve chosen #3 so wish us luck. i really hope this time things progress as planned. who knows maybe we can actually start a cycle this time.
good golly, it’s a darn good thing we’ve got this de ivf thing going or i might just implode with all the pregnant friends coming out of the woodwork. i can’t believe it. seriously every day there seems to be a newly pregnant friend turning up in my email. either pregnant or newly mothered. i’m super happy for these ladies of course, but it hurts nonetheless. i really hate that i hear this kind of news and am instantly filled with anxiety and dread. guess i better get used to it. it seems i’m hitting the age when everyone and their (ok you get it) are getting pregnant and fast. if this doesn’t drive an infertile to drink, i’m not sure what will.
for some reason the last few sundays have really been hard for me. i don’t know what it is about sunday. saturday i’m fine, out in the sun and enjoying my time off from work, but sundays seem lonely. i feel so utterly unmotivated it’s disheartening. i think about how i should clean the house, how i should work on the plethora of projects that need to be checked of the list. and then, i just sit here. sometimes i lay in bed with the pup. just blue. that’s all.
j works all weekend long so i usually get my fix of alone time. something i’ve always relished. i used to spend hours being creative. sewing, drawing, even cooking. but these days i just wander around in my head and wonder what the heck i’m doing in my pajamas at 3pm.
today i took the pup on a long walk this morning. went to a bridal shower for a dear friend. then came home and got in bed. my friend knows about the de & ivf stuff and has been super supportive. we’ve been joking that she’ll have to schedule her baby-making with our cycles. all fun and games of course, i made some joke about how she should set her sights on late june. ha ha. she said, “well, i want to make sure you’re pregnant first and then we’ll start trying”. uh…ok. so i know i set myself up for that one. but it all made me realize yeah, of course this might not work. this really might not work. this friend is in her late 30s and has no care in the world for her fertility. sure, she can just wait til we’re confirmed and then let thems eggs rip.
i know i’m overreacting. i’m moody, i’m worn out, my back aches and i have started to grow some cruel joke of a sympathy belly. i almost look pregnant. ugh. i just want this cloud to lift and get going with all this. i hate all the waiting. makes me feel like a crazy person to be thinking about this all the time. even lonelier in a way. just me and my thoughts and the gray sky above.
so we finally heard from our nurse and seems all things are beginning to line up out in front of us. still not sure when i’ll start bcp, because of my history with blood clots, (oh did i not yet mention that blip in my medical history… quick recap, let’s see… two summers ago on the very weekend of the anniversary i was diagnosed with leukemia, and after some funny business in the right leg making me a bit nervous, i went in for an ultrasound and found out i had the mother of all blood clots filling my entire vein from knee to groin. nice! went to hospital immediately where they did a routine chest x-ray to make sure i didn’t have pulmonary embolism i.e. blood clots in my lungs, which they were sure i didn’t have because i felt fine in the ol’ wind pipes don’t you see, and much to everyone’s surprise, most especially moi, i had two big ol’ emboli staring back at me from my scan…. ) sooo, yeah, we’ll wait until the last possible moment to start those friendly bcp ’s which were what was deemed to be the reason all my blood ran (or didn’t run so well) amok. this bit of history also means that as soon as i begin any of my hormone injections i’ll be adding on a daily injection of lovanox to keep my veins all drippy and thin. ye olde blood thinner. at least it’s sub cutaneous.
geez, so that was one big sidetrack, what i popped in to say today was actually that yay, we’re on our way. hopefully i’ll be starting the pills next week some time and we’re looking at a transfer date (if all goes as planned) for sometime at the end of march! craziness!
and to celebrate i plan on eating as much soft cheese and wine as i can. ahem. well, just in case we’re lucky enough for this cycle to work. i have to keep reminding myself to not get too far ahead of myself. i don’t want to be devastated if the betas come back thumbs down. i need to be realistic though, i will be devastated i’m sure but i can look forward to more cycles i guess. we’re doing a shared risk plan so we get 6 fresh cycles and if all those fail, our money back to look into other options.
sooo… i will take julie’s advice and just try to take this whole darn thing one needle-filled day at a time.
it’s possible i’m the most impatient person on this here planet. we made our donor pick final last saturday and the match was complete by monday and yet i’ve heard nothing all week from the scheduling nurse and still have no idea when we’ll get this boat a sailin’. we went the shared donor route so there’s a lot more to get on target before we can all begin, but geez, i’m so ready for this first cycle to begin. out damned eggs, out i say!
